Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Stalker U.?

When you're at an elite level in society and admired by thousands as your superiors are, there are times, sadly, when our admirers get too close. Like most celebrities, the people you wish you were have found ourselves, at times, being the target of low-class detritus who become insensed at the writings in our bi-weekly missives.

As important as this blog is to your feckless existence, Pinhead Nation provides a reason for the wretched to climb out of bed every morning, put on his paper-hat and report to his work station at the the drive-thru. Not surprising, most of our stalkers hail from the dirty end of Commonwealth Avenue at Boston University. While we enjoy the good life, sipping champagne and smoking quality cigars, on occasion we witness one these admirers hiding behind a bush wearing a sad look that only a Boston College rejection letter can create.

Many Boston University alums, like "Gord", have been known to hide in the shadows or stalk your superiors on-line long after their shift at Wendy's is over.

Though having clandestine and covetous "devotees" would be troubling to many of you great unwashed, having a higher intellect and worthier existence provides your superiors with the necessary disposition to chortle at the obsession possessed by our adherents. Like mucus on society's mustache, our friends at Boston University stand out and prove themselves to be a whimsical escape towards bufoonery.

Even middle-class rabble can find humor in the sad obsession owned by Boston University fans towards Pinhead Nation.

I was speaking to a dear collar-up chum of mine from my time on the Hill who happens to a professional in the field of psychiatric disorders. After a rather meritorious round of golf, we discussed their fascination with their betters and my doctor friend diagnosed the problem immediately.

It seems that due to feelings of inferiority created by a predilection to attend Boston College and their subsequent nonacceptance to the college due to neanderthalic intellect or social skills, a complex feeling of detestation persists that causes them to lash out at Boston College's cognoscenti. This sour feeling of rejection has overwhelmed their psyche and has left them with a bitter, yet at the same time, feebleminded view of those who were awarded admission to the school their covet.

Deep feelings of inadequacy force Pinhead Nation's stalkers to take rash actions to give themselves a release for their deep-rooted anger fueled by feelings of social worthlessness.

In the end, your superiors simply fill our flumes and chortle at their fascination while perusing BU's most recent graduation roster seeking the next generation of septic repairmen and animal control engineers. Perhaps someday these folks will step out of Pinhead Nation's shadow and begin to live a normal, albeit raffish, life.

- Collar Up.


A gratuitous celebratory hockey photograph taken in this century.

Friday, June 24, 2005

Mailbag Friday, 6/24

Good morning to our beloved sycophants and welcome to another installment of Pinhead Nation's Mailbag Friday. Due to the inferior quality of recent questions and comments to your superiors, the people you wish you were didn't want to waste anyone's time recently with subpar submissions for our mailbag, hence the layoff between Mailbag Fridays.

Fortunately, we did receive some quality emails this week and have decided to post another edition of the mailbag you base your life on. Without further adieu, here's this week's mailbag. Remember, if you have a question or comment, submit them to 'mailbag@pinheadnation.com' and we'll do our best to answer them.

Q - Emmanuel B.(Holyoke, MA). Pinheads, I really enjoy reading your stuff and loved your story making fun of poker. You have no idea how many idiots I know at school who live their lives just to play that stupid game. I go to school at UNH and wanted to know what you thought of Keith Yandle deciding to go to Maine instead. Thanks.

A - Hi Emmanuel. As your superiors understand it, Yandle, like former Cushing Academy teammate and BU flunky Chris Bourque, was too academically imbecilic to pass the swinging door Admissions Department at UNH. Considering Yandle was a top hockey recruit and wanted to attend a school with such minimal academic integrity as the Univ. of New Hampshire, your superiors can only surmise that Yandle's brain has similar cerebral capacity as the average Simian at a local zoo. Reportedly, a party was held at UNH's Admissions Department shortly after Yandle's denial as for the first time in school history, an application for admission to the University of New Hampshire was actually turned down.

Cushing senior Keith Yandle will bring his strong defensive game to Maine and not UNH as originally planned.

Q - Josh M. (Jessup, MD). I know Pinhead Nation are proud members of Red Sox Nation so I wanted to know what you thought of the Yankees losing three of four at home to Tampa??? Yankees Suck!

A - Josh, yes, your superiors are certainly proud Red Sox fans and are delighted with the lugubrious plight of the New York Yankees. At first glance, it would seem that the Yankees had wasted $205mm on over-the-hill detritus that have more need for Ben Gay than Ben Sheets. Sources close to Pinhead Nation tell a different tale as the reason for New York's demise isn't age, but deep sexual tension in the clubhouse. Since the arrival of the purse-swinging Alex Rodriguez, several Yankees have secretly "come out of the closet" and have turned what was a close clubhouse into a "very close" bathhouse. It appears that Bravo's "Fab Five" chose the wrong team to makeover recently and their frustration is finally showing.

"High Fives" and "High Hard Ones" have different definitions in the New York Yankees clubhouse nowadays.

Q - Brett H. (Framingham, MA). Hi guys, I know I can't be "collar Up" because I'm going to attend Northeastern University this fall. How do you think NU's hockey team will do this year without Bruce Crowder at head coach? Can they make the NCAA's?

A- Brett, sorry to hear you have to attend Northeastern. Spending the next four or five years at NU is going to be the saddest and darkest days of your young life. You'd probably get more intellectual stimulation from robbing a liquor store and spending the next five years in prison, but I digress. Regarding NU hockey, I'm delighted to see Crowder has finally been fired. Crowder now joins the countless displaced UNH grads on unemployment compensation after nine abyssmal years behind the Husky bench. Looking to the future, your superiors expect more of the same from NU: horrible on-ice play, plenty of empty seats at Matthews Arena, and several violent street riots on Huntington Avenue. Your superiors wish you the best of luck ducking street cars and avoiding bullets while working on your worthless degree at Northeastern University.

Aside from hiring Greg Cronin as their new hockey coach, Northeastern has also hired a new mascot to fire up the 'Dogpound' at Matthews Arena starting this fall.

Q - Tim L. (Chestnut Hill, MA). Guys, I've got a big time dilemma. I'm a BC student fine-tuning my collar-up skills in Chestnut Hill but this weekend I have to attend a wedding in New Hampshire. The groom is a long time friend who graduated from Plymouth State and now lives up in what you guys call "Hillbilly Land". I have to go but I'm afraid my collar-up status will be tarnished with every passing minute I am up there. Help me, I have no one else to turn to who can understand!

A - Tim, calm down, we'll all get through this together. As we understand it, you have no choice but to attend, so rest easy. Look at this as a rare opportunity to get a glimpse into the life of the neanderthal. Be advised, though, that your social class will be temporarily debased and avoid unecessary contact with New Hampshire residents at all possible. If in conversation with a NH resident the phrases "NASCAR", "Cheap Fireworks", "Incest", or "Double Wides" come up, abort your conversation immediately and proceed to bar for a shot of Johnnie Walker Blue. If the "bar" consists of nothing but a large trash can full of alcohol, leave the wedding at once and return to Chestnut Hill for immediate delousing.

Like Jane Goodall's zoological study of gorillas in Africa, a collar-up's trip to a New Hampshire wedding can be a very interesting sociological glimpse into the life of the "White Trash American".

Well, that's going to do it for another installment of Pinhead Nation's Mailbag Friday. Your superiors will be enjoying another weekend of sailing and living the good life. For many of you who are forced to work in one of America's several fast food establishments, have a good work weekend and stay safe. The hot weather can make working over a fryolater extremely dangerous.

Collar Up.

- DW

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Hillbilly Haven Turns 142

Greetings from your superiors on a very busy day in Pinhead Nation. Normally, the people you wish you were would apologize for such a long time between missives, but frankly, we were too busy to deal with the detritus who come to this site for personal and spiritual refinement.

As you may know, this week marks a very special day in our nation's history. One hundred forty-two years ago, the United States of America managed to kick thousands of colonial white-trash out of collar-up Virginia and created a state for low-educated, incestuous cannibals and called it "West Virginia".

Since many of our readers are likewise uneducated, your superiors will delight you with a quick historical lesson. Back in the mid-1800s, wealthy landowners from Virginia complained that local drunken riff-raff was depredating their land and was generally unsightly. These curs, found mainly in the western part of Virginia, struggled to feed their families as they were endeavored with small farms and a picayune work ethic.

As any collar-up could imagine, the concept of breeding with such human offscourings repulsed the Virginia cognoscenti and, without any other options, forced the west Virginia residents into incestual knowledge for the continuation of their subhuman families.

Finally, on June 20, 1863, Virginia petitioned the United States government into forcing this decaying portion of the population into its own section of the land and give them their own state called "West Virginia". Tired of finding their animals violated and their furniture burned, Virginians were elated to rid themselves of this segment of the population and happily gave away the mountainous wasteland that was the western portion of their state.

When days turned into months and eventually years, the ideals of West Virginia have persevered over the last 142 years. Though the famous Hatfield and McCoy families of West Virginia have long disappeared, the anger and vitriol has persisted longer than a West Virginia University coed's venereal disease.

Over a century after its creation, collar-up Virginians still require its social slipshods to relocate to West Virginia.

Despite working hard to forget their feculent history, today's West Virginia is still a glaring example of the place where time and social graces forgot. While science and technology has advanced tremendously over the years, West Virginians still maintain the secret to a happy life is drinking homemade liquor made in a trash barrel, followed by a disease-be-damned night of sexual nirvana with a relative.

Drinking and Familial Fornification are social staples in West Virginia.

With the Civil War long ended, West Virginians have been resorted to WVU athletics as an outlet to release their generational pent up anger. Gone are lynchings and Klan related violence that are now socially unacceptable even in a place like West Virginia. Although burning crosses is no longer allowed in the Mountain State (damn Yankee liberals), the idea of burning and dancing around something will always be a part of WV's culture.

Couches have replaced crosses as the new traditional item to burn in West Virginia

Despite years of social evolution in America, West Virginians wear their rural hillbilly backwardness like a badge of honor. Their heads clouded by a haze induced by homemade alcohol and with the deep rooted feeling of inadequacy created by a century's worth of national neglect and ridicule, residents of the Mountain State hold on to the belief that the days of "Devil Anse" Hatfield will come again.

Collar Up.

- DW

Monday, June 06, 2005

The Search For a New BU President Is Over

After spending a wonderful afternoon down at the club enjoying a day of yachting, golf, and a fine cuisine featuring a delicious Roasted Tenderloin of Beef au Poivre, a newflash came across the television.

It seems after a long and exhaustive search, the exiguous commonalty located at the raffish end of Commonwealth Avenue had chosen a new President. Although it took several months to find a replacement for Daniel Goldin, the former NASA Chief who abdicated the BU Presidency in shame, Boston University announced that Robert Brown has been selected as the latest bureaucrat empowered to continue the university's downward trend towards intellectual obscurity.

Brown, a former teacher, researcher, and boy band member, was chosen over millions of qualified recycleables who had the misfortune of being home to answer the phone when they called.

Former "New Edition" singer Robert Brown agreed to assume the Presidency at BU as part of his community service requirement following his arrest for failure to pay child support.

Though he has no experience in running a large multi-cultural safety-school such as Boston University, Mr. Brown (who goes by "Bobby") has won over the student body with his talented dance routines and his promise to legalize barbituates on campus. Of all his several initiatives, none has gained more acclaim than his avowal to re-energize BU's athletics department.

After posing for BU's "Boink Magazine", several coeds have signed up to play BU football after the sport was reinstated by President Brown.

Although some older BU alumni were upset by the naming of a pop icon as President, it should be noted that this wasn't the first time Boston University has looked to Hollywood for it's top spot. In 1971, the Board of Trustees named former actor John Silber as President after Silber's recurring role as the "One Armed Man" on TV's "The Fugitive" ran its course.

Former BU President John Silber, though lousy on the drums and without the ability to shuffle a deck of cards, led BU for 25 years

The Presidency of Robert Brown comes at a very important time for Boston U. Having been passed years ago in academics, athletics, and social class by Boston College, Brown's leadership will be paramount to ensure that BU manages to stay ahead of Florida A & M and the Possaic School of Poultry on US World and News Report's Second Tier Colleges in the US.

Fortunately for Brown, once he assumes the Presidency on September 1, 2005, he will have served longer than his predecessor Goldin, who quit the day before he was to take office. BU was forced to pay Goldin a $1.8 million severence package soon after the former NASA boss was forced to resign his new position following an ugly incident with Silber that allegedly began when Goldin chided Silber for his inability to play "peek-a-boo".

Goldin's failure at Boston University paled in comparison to his failures at NASA.

Pinhead Nation wishes President Robert Brown best of luck in his new role. We hope, for BU's sake, Brown continues Boston U's tradition of admitting academic missteps to comprise its hockey roster. Time will measure his successes or lack thereof.

Collar Up

- DW