Monday, January 30, 2006

Livin' La Vida Lowell

It has been a trying time for the people you wish you were. On our way home from a benefit to raise awareness to "the dangers of a public school education", the Fp 500 we were riding in was struck by a drunken driver and had a horrific crash. Though I stayed conscious long enough to see we were hit by a drunken U. Lowell grad Craig MacTavish after another night of drinking at the Golden Banana, I quickly slipped into a coma.

During my ten-day period of comatose in the hospital, my convalescing mind reached down into its subaqueous regions to give me a look into how my life may have been if not for my haut monde upbringing and my nonpareilic education at America's Best College. Although deep in a medically monitored slumber, for ten days I envisioned myself living the indigent life of a U.Mass-Lowell graduate.

Instead of my lofty bedroom at Stately Pinhead Manor, I "awakened" in a one-room apartment next to a 280 lb. hispanic woman who I assumed was my girlfriend. Although my mind was incredulous, my body instinctively went through the motions to live out my day as a Lowell graduate. In lieu of a shower, I proceeded to the medicine cabinet for a splash of Drakkar Noir and opened the closet to see my Taco Bell uniform waiting for me next to my yellow leisure suit used primarily on the weekends.

In Lowell, prostitutes spend much of their spare time at local gyms to keep their bodies in top shape.

Walking outside my apartment to the parking lot, I proceeded right to my 1993 Toyota Corolla and turned on the engine. As my tape player pumped out the sweet tunes of Joe Cuba, who I somehow remembered as the "Father of the Puerto Rican Boogaloo", I checked the look in the mirror and imagined myself having the looks of Howie Dorough and the money and dance moves of Johnny Lozada.

Parking on Pawtucket Street in Lowell is free and is close to the UML campus.

I arrived at Taco Bell just in time for the normal breakfast rush. Due to the fact that I have a degree from U.Mass-Lowell, I get to choose my work responsibilities each morning. Variety is definitely the spice of life as sometimes I get to work the drive-thru and other times, I mix things up and just clean the bathrooms. My manager is a very nice guy and although he graduated from UML as class valedictorian, he doesn't show any superiority or pretentiousness towards any of the staff. If I had a father, he's exactly who I imagined him to be.

When my shift came to an end, I used my employee discount to pick up 8 Chilupas to bring to my "angel gigantesca" at home. I met her after her ex-husband went off to prison for selling crack, but I really have never been more happy in all my days. She is the type of woman who can keep you hot in the winter and cool in the summer.

While it took me some time to get used to all her tattoos, sometimes, I enjoy reading them while I pop the pimples on her back. Sure, although she is so large that I swear her clit has a knee, she makes this guy feel happier than the feeling you get when your unemployment compensation gets extended for another 6 weeks.

I pursued and she retreated, then she pursued and I retreated. Hours later, we were together and I was the proud stepfather of 6 kids.

When I finally awoke from my coma, I immediately told my collar-up chums of my experience as a Lowell graduate, albeit an ersatz existence, and we all had a good chortle. Considering the fact that a Lowell graduate will always live a subjacent life to that of a collar-up, I was happy to have survived my experience, although I did make a beeline for the Penicillin and took a long shower.

Collar Up.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Mainers struggling to tell "Timmeh-time".

Sad days are upon us here at Stately Pinhead Manor. Our two-time defending Super Bowl champions have been vanquished in a way that made your superiors feel that they had no desire to taste the fine spray of Veuve Clicquot. Despite the piteous manner in which the New Englanders performed, knowing that Denver is where people live who lack the means to reside in Aspen is a comforting thought.

Denver Broncos fans could hardly hide their excitement following Saturday's victory over the Patriots.

While many collar-ups were left to cry in their Hemery XO, the lowest level of humanity located in Maine found themselves with a double dose of misery on Saturday night. As the Patriots fell to defeat, the Maine Blackbears hockey team went down faster than the time it takes for a Maine resident to take his overalls off when coming home from work early to find his sister in the shower.

This past weekend at the Egg-Anus Arena at Boston University, the two-toned and "two-teethed" Blackbears were swept away by a Kenmore State team who hadn't won three in a row since, well, the last time they played Maine. Although Friday's game was close, on Saturday night Maine allowed 5 goals in the first 2 periods, thanks to All-Milk Carton Team rookie goaltender Ben Bishop's ineptitude and fell 5-4.

After BU's weekend sweep over Maine, local coeds herded themselves to nearby T's Pub for a post game celebration.

The losses dropped Maine's record to just 7-6 in Hockey East contests and have made even the most dedicated galoots question the future of their hockey program. In 2001, Maine coach and legendary rules violator Shawn Walsh died leaving a void larger than the distance between the eyes of a Boothbay prom queen. In his place was installed Tim Whitehead, who had previously coached perennial doormat Lowell.

The roads in Orono no longer lead to championships.

U. Maine's failings are hard to pinpoint. While America's Team has become the crown jewel of the conference, most of the other teams in Hockey East have flopped and have shown as much life as Peter Jennings. Though Walsh is working feverishly to recruit Charles Manson for his current hockey team, Whitehead has spent the last few years recruiting players who speak English today about as well as Dick Clark does.

To combat the speed and talent of their opponents, U. Maine's coaches have decided to recruit middle-aged canadians to help "fill the steins for dear old Maine".

To be honest, it'd be hard for the people you wish you were to feel bad for the hockey program in Orono. Like the "Spice Girls", Maine had great success during the 90's, but likewise, didn't have the talent or scruples to maintain it. Even the most ardent Maine fans have to struggle to appreciate a program that felt the need to break the rules to achieve their victories. Though Maine has been sanctioned for NCAA violations and have had to deal with several instances of off-ice problems, Maine shows no signs of changing their nefarious ways to satisfy the gilt-edged wishes of their friends at Pinhead Nation.

Girl Scouts selling cookies to Keith Johnson's dorm room realize they may leave with more than just an order for a box of "Tagalong Peanut Butter Patties".

Collar Up.

- DW

Monday, January 09, 2006

The Attack of the Limping Van der Gimps

There's no place like home. As great as the holidays were, your superiors enjoy nothing better than sitting by the fire at Stately Pinhead Manor while enjoying the fine taste of a Dunhill Cabinetta and reminiscing on our absonant successes. Though Christmas on the left coast exceeded even my recrementitious expectations, much can be said for returning to my pulchritudinous home.

With the Westwind II in the hanger for some modest improvements, a quick call to America's Best College and hours later, your superiors were 'wheels up' en route to our holiday destination.

Upon our return, the people you wish you were were happy to see America's Team on top of the Hockey East standings (as usual). As expected, we chortled at the results of the program residing at the feculent end of Commonwealth Avenue. To our utmost wonderment, we were agog upon learning that Boston University coach Jack "recently completed step 8" Parker once again trolled the bottom of the meritorious barrel by playing injured player David Van der Gulik.

Van der Gulik, a forward from Parts Unknown, British Columbia (apparently the only "BC" he could get into), had missed most of the season with an abdominal tear or "sports hernia" near his pelvic bone. Despite the fact that he should be shelved for the season, the Calgary Flame draft pick and likely NHL washout Van der Gulik returned to participate in BU's weekly cataclysm, this time a loss to Providence College.

No one, including Van der Gulik's girlfriend, is quite sure what caused his career threatening sports hernia injury, but now that he's healed, she is certainly happy to be back on top of him again.

The mystery over Van der Gulik's affliction has caused significant concern within Boston University's sports medical staff. According to a source close to Pinhead Nation, finding the origin of such a strange injury has rocketed to the top of Boston University's priorities, just behind finding a way to teach former BU President John Silber how to "hand jive".

Although the source of Van der Gulik's injury is a matter of debate, ask any BU player and he will blame their new 3rd uniform, introduced late last year and coinciding with the first symptoms of his injury.

Predictably, Coach Parker was quick to insert him back in the BU lineup, whether he was ready or not. Considering the dearth of talent on the Terriers' roster, the BU coaches certainly cannot afford another injury to a player if they want to achieve their ultimate goal, to win the Beanpot. For this reason, Parker has made it a violation of team rules to go out in public.

Due to the fact that most BU fans are upset with their team's results, it would surprise no one if, given the chance, a disgruntled BU student were to run a player over with his camel at the campus bazaar. Hockey fans will remember back in 2003 when BU flop John Sabo was assaulted when an upset Boston U. student attacked Sabo's foot with his own face. Fortunately for all, Sabo and the BU administration chose not to pursue charges against the unruly BU student who had 'allegedly' assaulted Mr. Sabo.

To avoid a possible confrontation with unhappy fans, BU players John Curry and Brad Zancanaro travel incognito to Landsowne Street this past New Year's Eve.

Regardless, your superiors at Pinhead Nation wish Van der Gulik well and hope Parker's decision to play him despite his physical malady works out well. Given the choice, it is obvious that he would have rather missed the season, but considering the proximity to this year's Beanpot, it wasn't an option for Parker and Boston University.

Pinhead Nation would like to make this special PSA to those collar-ups who would like to own a piece of America's Team. The gilded hockey booster club at BC, the "Pikes Peak Club" is holding a raffle to give its winners 24 game used hockey jerseys from the 2004-05 season. If you're interested in learning about the raffle, drop us a line at Lowell fans and others who cannot afford a raffle ticket need not apply.

Collar Up.

- DW