Tuesday, January 30, 2007

BU begins hunt for 28th national title beginning Monday

For your superiors, the height of contentment is sitting in the den around the fire on a cold winter evening enjoying a Dalmore single malt while ruminating about the apogees of our day. We larked amongst ourselves when one of the hired help asked for an advance of his pay to attend his U.Mass class reunion. Though we enjoyed our jocular get together, the mood changed when we discovered that the last log was cracking in the fire and our supply of wood was spent.

As the people you wish you were considered enkindling a left over newspaper, we couldn't help ceasing our plans once we discovered the newspaper was a Boston University student paper trumpeting the arrival of their hockey team to another "Frozen Four" appearance at the TD Banknorth Garden next Monday.

Your superiors began to read...

The BU Daily Corpulent
- Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Ice Dogs Prepare to Defend National Hockey Title
by Az-Amir Goldstein

For the 55th consecutive year, Boston University has qualified for the Frozen Four and will play for an unprecedented 28th National Championship on February 12, 2007. Despite battling injury most of the campaign, the Terriers will once again compete for college hockey's top prize. BU will square off in the first round vs. Northeastern and battle Harvard or Boston College for all the Ha-saa Al-Gereesh on Valentine's Day.

Despite the early struggles, BU coach Jack Parker was thrilled with his team's rebound.

"I'm just so proud of my guys", said Parker while spotted in line at Blanchard's Liquor Store in Allston. "We started the season with a bad loss to Lowell and to make it back to the Frozen Four and a chance to win it all is astounding."

The Terriers and BU students are once again ready to put all their chips on the table to secure another national title.

With a 13-5-7 record, the Terriers will first face rival Northeastern who qualified for the tournament themselves after a 6-1 upset victory over Maine in Orono. The winner will face BC or Harvard for the national crown on February 14th.

"It's why kids come to BU", said former Terrier skater John Sabo who is currently earning a masters degree from the Work At Home Institute while balancing a hectic anger management therapy schedule. "I mean 27 national titles, that has got to be a record, I dont even think Minnesota or Michigan can say that...to overcome the injury to (Brandon) Yip and have a shot at #28, it just shows how much Coach Parker lives for this."

The Fanboys at BU are encouraged to attend the game in the hopes of getting a chance to be on the "Kiss-cam" before heading back to Warren Towers and take turns giving eachother a "high stick in the crease".

Yip, a sophomore from Parts Unknown, Canada, has missed most of the season with a shoulder injury suffered while helping to lift a young BU coed onto the bar at the Tequila Rain dance club on Landsdowne Street. Despite the disappointment of missing most of the season, Yip will do his best to cheer his teammates on from the stands next Monday.

"Hockey is cool, I like it, it's really, really cool", said Yip when asked to handicap his team's chances next week. "I mean, who wouldn't like it. I think I would play all day if I could. It's like finding that perfect glowstick, except it never goes out, it stays on forever. Higgy says it doesn't exist, but I think it does."

Although tickets are long sold out, BU students can win tickets to the Frozen Four by competing against fellow students in a reality show on BU TV-10 awarding ducats to the smartest undergraduate. Students will be challenged with intellectual exercises such as "timed shoe tying" and a sudden death round of trying to solve "Blue's Clues".

When the calendar flips to February, thousands of scarlet-clad BU coeds converge on "the Garden" to give the building's structural engineers anxiety and hurl profanities at the opposition.

Though just a game, even the university administration is behind this year's team. "Everytime I see that scarlet jersey, I am more proud than my predecessor was when he watched the Space Shuttle take off and not explode", said BU President Bobby Brown. "Dr. Silber hated the sport because he couldn't handle a hockey stick, but I just love it. I hope they win it all again... Since Ramadan, the mood on this campus has been very solemn. This is just what BU needs right now."

A reminder from the Boston University Police that the consumption of Indian Shiraz is forbidden for students under 21 and campus police will be present at the doors of all campus madrasahs checking id's. Remember to have your International drivers licenses and passports ready and please celebrate our 28th national title responsibly.

Collar Up.

Friday, January 05, 2007

New Years Resolutions

Once again, another year has come and gone. Having the means to spend the Yuletide season at our Aspen manse singing madrigals with our confreres offers a sublime opportunity to reflect on a effulgent year gone by. While your superiors enjoyed a rather sapid Chateau Margaux, the people you wish you were conceptualized likely "New Years' Resolutions" given by our subjacent friends in Hockey East.

We first discussed our slatternly friends across the tracks on the contaminated end of Commonwealth Avenue. Its ironic that Boston University's hockey team has more ties than wins considering it is unlikely that any of Boston University's fans actually own a tie. Offering a New Years' Resolution for BU certainly vellicates one's imagination.

BU Coach Jack Parker spent this past weekend in his office reflecting on the missed opportunities in 2006.

The delirium on the BU campus from the holiday of Ramadan has passed and they now wonder if their team is prepared to win the national championship on February 12th. The glowsticks and Taco Bell gift certificates are purchased and the fanboys are ready to drop f-bombs, but will they deliver when the bright lights of the "Frozen Four" are turned on at the TD Banknorth Garden next month?

If BU is going to have success in 2007, junior forward Boomer Ewing will need to improve his offensive output from 2006.

According to source who overheard BU Coach Jack Parker mumbling incoherently as he sat on a park bench on Boston Common while drinking out of a paperbag, BU's 2007 New Years Resolution is pretty obvious. If BU could put as much effort into scoring goals as they do partaking in early morning street fights, they'd have a much higher upside than they currently do.

Since 1997, the only Boston University students who have won anything in the month of April are the winners of the school's annual "BU Coed 2-Ton Run" sponsored by Lane Bryant.

The next team we surmised about was the University of New Hampshire. Admittedly, your superiors have greatly ignored our incestous friends to the north even though they are once again in the process of setting their fans up for another spring disappointment. After finishing the calendar year at 14-3-1, visions of pepper spray and stolen Dominos Pizza trucks have been dancing in the heads of UNH fans.

Despite starting the season red-hot, UNH hockey has flown under the radar among fans in the Granite State. Anticipation of the upcoming NASCAR season, and with it the hundred dollar question of whether Mark Martin will sit out 2007, has clouded the moonshine pocked minds of the locals.

UNH hockey's annual march to the silver medal is bound to be the "talk of the ho-downs" in the Granite State in 2007.

Considering the history of UNH's hockey program when the proverbial chips are on the line, a resolution for the new year is obvious. Looking ahead to the postseason, UNH's goal for 2007 is simply to lose in the postseason by less than 2 goals. UNH coach Dick Umile's "bend and break" defense displayed in the 2002 and 2003 Frozen Fours is clearly a flawed strategy. If they simply go back to their 1999 playbook and lose in overtime, it is sure to satisfy the great unwashed masses that reside in Titletown, NH.

Your superiors didn't spend time discussing the rest of Hockey East's New Years resolutions simply due to the fact that we really don't think it would be appropriate. Sure, we could anticipate Maine's hope in signing their first ever recruit under the age of 26 or Vermont players grabbing their own sticks instead of their teammates, but its hard to justify using our precious time thinking of them.

For the rest of Hockey East, your superiors at Pinhead Nation hope the new year finds you well. For our friends in Lowell, we wish you a "Feliz Ano Nuevo" and hope you defy the odds and survive until 2008.

Collar Up.