Saturday, May 28, 2005

Real World Boston U.?

Our limosine had just passed through the gates of Stately Pinhead Manor when the cell phone rang. Your superiors were returning from a meritorious evening of Beluga Almas caviar and imported Bordeaux at the annual Larrison family cotillion, when a single phone call ensured the people you wish you were would be awake deep into the evening.

On the other end of the Motorola was one of our drones working at MTV in New York City. Your superiors have invested heavily in MTV over the years and when our subaltern informed us that the music network was preparing a reality TV show about the school at the filthy end of Commonwealth Avenue, we were left agog. MTV, under their collegiate network, MTVu, announced that several BU students would be represented in a 24 hour, behind the scenes look at their school.

The pith of the program will be devoted to capturing the lives, the loves, and the Swahili to English dreams of Boston University undergraduates as they work laboriously towards a worthless piece of parchment and future employment at an Aldo shoe store.

When auditions were announced for BU's new reality TV show, the crowds were so voluminous and multitudinous, four of Landsdowne's Street's most popular clubs filed for Bankruptcy.

Like most reality television programs, the hook was finding controversial storylines and images that would allow the dunderheaded viewer to look beyond the broken english and become loyal viewers. BU's Reality TV show promises a shocking and sensual look into the sordid lives of those who find bathing once a week in olive oil an erotic reminder of their homeland.

BU Reality TV's cameramen work covertly to uncover every Beanpot dream, bender, and bukkake there is to be found on the Boston U. campus

While BU's Reality TV show promises to give the school unprecedented exposure, Boston University's Board of Governors were predictably lukewarm to the concept. Fearing another view into BU's avaricious side similar to the infamous Boink Magazine, BU's President and his trusted counsel called an emergency assemblage at the school's administrative offices in New Delhi to discuss the show's ramifications. Fortunately for MTV, the university's pilotage allowed the show to be produced once they realized the potential financial rewards that would be reaped.

Though BU's hierarchy initially balked at the idea, they realized the only Sacred Cow they really believed in was cold, hard cash

Like most of America and out of a morbid curiosity, the collar-up community will undoubtedly be tuned in to BU Reality TV. As disconcerted as your superiors were to find out about such a television concept, it may prove to be a unique view into the penurious lives of those yearn to attend Boston College, but choose to debauch themselves on national television instead.

Collar Up.

- DW

Friday, May 27, 2005

Mailbag Friday, 5/27

Good day to our rapscallion readers and welcome to another edition of Pinhead Nation's Mailbag Friday. Unless you are a Boston University alum and need to be reminded regularly, your superiors take time out of our pecunious lives to address your comments or answer your questions sent to us at ''.

As you can imagine, the people you wish you were are a bit crestfallen these days. If you are fortunate enough to reside in the northeast, you have been witness to an endless rainstorm that has gripped the region stronger than a UMass-Lowell student's heroin addiction. If you are a collar-up like ourselves, the rain means the country club is closed and the Aicon 64 has remained on dry dock, so please forgive us if there appears to be recalcitrance in our voice as we answer this week's mailbag.

Q -Rex (Brookline, MA). I am in in the midst of a collar-up conundrum. While my initial collar-up status was cemented by attending Boston College, I fear my collar-up status may be in jeopardy. You see, I have spent the past school year pursuing an MBA at Kenmore State University. While I initially attempted to justify my presence among the collar-downs on the wrong side of Commonwealth Avenue in much the same way as Jane Goodall justified her presence among the apes, I am growing concerned about how my time here will affect me in the future. I turn to my superiors for advice and your quick response is appreciated, before I find myself reading Boink Magazine and dancing to bad techno on Landsdowne Street.

A - Good day, Rex. As always, it is a pleasure to converse with a fellow collar-up intellectual. Your superiors understand your concern and you have come to the right place for guidance. According to your message, you have chosen to receive an MBA from Baghdad University, but share alumni status with the people you wish you were. The plumber we employ at Stately Pinhead Manor also received an MBA from BU. Some time ago, he was unclogging a toilet caused by a coed who had eaten too much kashi and, in lieu of payment, the school gave him an MBA degree for his work. Although you have correctly surmised that such a degree from BU is similar in worth to the detritus my plumber freed from the U-Bowl that day, you will enrich the lives of your fellow students with your collar-up status. Remember, it is how you deal with plebeians that fine tune your elitism.

MBA students at BU may be doltish and struggle with the english language, but many can see their social standing uplifted through contact with a collar-up.

Q - Sarah P. (Sayreville, NJ)- Hi Pinheads. I know this is short notice but would any of you guys want to go to my prom with me? I dumped my boyfriend because he was a jerk and wanted to go with someone who has real class. The prom is June 24th down in New Jersey. If you could make it, I'd be honored. Thanks and I love you guys.

A - Sarah, we appreciate the invite, but unfortunately, your superiors are unable to attend. Although we must turn down your offer, we offer you tremendous credence for wanting to attend your prom with someone of impeccible and categorical social standing. Understanding the unlikelihood of finding someone in New Jersey as a reasonable replacement, we wish you the best of luck in trying.

Contrary to rumor, a tuxedo itself cannot transform an uneducated ruffian into a collar-up haut monde.

Q - Justin (Durham, NH) - Whats up guys. I wanted to say how much I like your blog and wish you guys were back on USCHO. I don't agree with anything you said there, but you were entertaining. Any idea when Pinhead Nation will be making their grand return to educate the rest of USCHO posters on being collar up?

A - Justin, sadly, your superiors have likely made their final post to USCHO. Unfortunately for you and the rest of that message board community, the mental defective administrators have ensured that Pinhead Nation will never return to their site. Several of our drones still post on our behalf, but it seems that the 300 lbs. dateless halfwits who are running that site fear the presence of those who are obviously smarter than them. Tragically, USCHO will no longer have a collar-up society to enlighten and educate the college hockey masses because of blind prejudice towards Boston College and fear of risking their readers to high social culture.

Well, that's going to do it for another edition of Pinhead Nation's mailbag. With any luck, the rain will finally stop and your superiors can spend the holiday weekend at the club. Although the rain is good for our lawns, it also means that thousands of UMass graduates, employed as landscapers and highway road repair technicians, are out of work. For their sake and the sake of their miserable families, we hope the sun shines soon.

Collar Up.

- DW

Sunday, May 22, 2005

A Worthless Degree is the Mother of Unemployment

Greetings, inferiors. We realize it's been a little while since our last missive, but important business overseas arose that prevented the people you wish you were from our biweekly chats.

While returning over the pond in our Gulfstream V, I happened upon an invitation to the commencement of T. Fidler Rothchild's eldest son, Preston who was receiving his sheepskin from Boston College later this week. Preston is a delightful chap who had developed quite a taste for Davidoff Millennium Churchill cigars while polishing his burgeoning collar-up skills at school. Failure to attend Preston's commencement and the brannigan following the ceremony would be the social faux pas equivilent of wearing a sweatshirt to our polo club.

As our jet approached our home shore, it dawned upon your superiors that, although intellectually and socially superincumbent than most, there are those who lack the aristocratic wherewithall to receive a degree from a world-class institution as Boston College. Fortunately, there are subjacent universities that are happy to cater to the socially underdeveloped and financially destitute so even the feebleminded stupes of the world can experience a commencement ceremony.

For uncultured students at schools such as Boston University, Northeastern, or any of the four-year state run glorified high schools in the area, a diploma from one of these boorish institutions is hardly preparation for a financially rewarding career. Awaiting these louts following commencement is a life's worth of digging swimming pools, making change at interstate tollbooths, or endless hours of making outbound telemarketing phone calls.

"Hold the pickles, hold the lettuce, four years in Lowell does not upset us.."

At Boston University, Afghan President Hamid Karzai addressed graduates this weekend and promised BU's newest alumni that with the crackdown on terrorism and the country's strive towards democracy, that it is safe for them to return home and help rebuild their homeland. Karzai concluded his remarks by disclosing his secret ingredients for his family recipe for Qabeli Palau and Afghan Kadu Bouranee, followed by a night of dancing on Landsdowne Street.

Karzai's address pleaded with BU's graduates to return home to Afghanistan where endless taxi driving jobs await them.

Across town at Northeastern, where due to genetic mutations, NU administators give students five years to complete their four year degree, Vice Admiral and US Surgeon General Richard Carmona gave the key note address at NU's graduation ceremony. Carmona, used to instructing the nation on its health and well-being, undoubtedly was invited to Northeastern to warn graduates of the dangers of drug and alcohol abuse.

NU's valedictorian reacts to the news that he no longer will be forced to watch his school in the Beanpot.

For the most part, your superiors understand that graduation day represents the end of a long road and at the same the time the beginning of another. It is for this reason that we stress the importance of not settling for a raffish, unacceptable college and earning a degree synonymous with McDonald's Gift Certificates.

Your superiors at Pinhead Nation congratulate all of this year's graduates and for those fortunate upper crusts in Chestnut Hill, flip your collars up and pop open some bubbly. For those at BU, NU, or the UMass's, drop us a resume, we are always looking for eager landscapers.

Collar Up.

- DW

Friday, May 13, 2005

Mailbag Friday, 5/13

Good morning to all our raffish readers and welcome to another edition of Pinhead Nation's "Mailbag Friday". As you know, on Fridays we take a few minutes out of our productive day to delve into your aborted minds and answer some of your questions. If you have a burning question that you would like someone clearly better than you to answer, drop us an email at Because of volume, we can't always answer every email, but if you menial inquiry piques our interest, you may have your existence justified by receiving an answer from your superiors. Without further adieu, here is this week's mailbag.

Q - Bob H (location N/A). Hi guys, what do you think of (former Merrimack hockey coach) Chris Serino leaving the AD position of a divison II NCAA school (with an almost D-1 hockey team) to become the AD at Malden Catholic High School?

Having survived two of life's greatest challenges, cancer and coaching at Merrimack College, Chris Serino has finally received a break by landing a job at Malden Catholic High School.

A - Good morning, Bob. Nice to hear from a fellow collar-up intellectual, hope all is well. To answer your question, it makes sense to your superiors that Serino take that job, it's clearly a promotion. Remember, former Kenmore State "graduate" Keith Tkachuk is a Malden Catholic alum, and since most of his Merrimack players couldn't play at Boston College High School let alone Boston College, he finally gets a chance to coach quality athletes. Unfortunately for the rubes who are considering attending Malden Catholic, the cost to employ Serino means that annual tuition will be raised from $1,100 annually to just over $8500. I can't help wondering how a 20-something Canadian thug can raise those kind of funds to play for Chris Serino.

Q - Mike H (Danbury, CT). I read your article on "Grand Theft Auto: UConn" and was pretty amused by it. I live in Connecticut, but hate all things UConn as I am a URI graduate. Did you know that a 55 year old woman was hit by one of those UConn thugs firing that pellet gun?

A - Mike, we did notice that there was a sad victim in the UConn story, but felt that in the grand scheme of things, a windshield was worth more than the existence of a 55 year-old Connecticut resident. That windshield was probably made outside of Connecticut and didn't ask to be located in such a ramshackled state.

The value of a woman from Connecticut is far outweighed by the price of a quality windshield.

Q - Paul S (Bakersfield, CA). Hi Pinhead Nation. Who do you like in the NBA playoffs?

A - The NBA playoffs? Surely, you are kidding. If we wanted to watch a bunch of street thugs kill eachother for sport, we'd take the limo down to Northeastern University after Boston's next sports championship. Considering most of today's NBA are from overseas, attendance at an NBA game would be the equivilent of attendance a Boston University fraternity party. Take our advice, you can't maintain 'collar-up' status and consider yourself a hardcore NBA fan. Make you choice.

Well, that's going to do it for this week's mailbag. The warm weather appears to have finally arrived, so to my fellow collar-ups, finish getting your yachts sea-ready and stock up on the quality libations of your choice.

Collar Up.

- DW

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Grand Theft Auto: UConn Football

While sitting in the lounge at our country club this past weekend, the people you wish you were found ourselves invited to our dear friend T. Fidler Rothschild's son's 10th birthday celebration. Rothschild, normally a cad, had just finished boasting about his recent sailing trip with Italian sailing legend Luca Bassani on his new Aicon 64 when he asked us to attend his oldest son's birthday.

Normally, your superiors would rather drink a domestic beer than spend social time with a nouveau riche braggart such as Rothschild, but hearing of sailing tales with such a collar-up legend as Bassani left us with insatiable desire to hear more. Reluctantly, we chose to attend his son's birthday so to learn more of Rothschild's expedition with with great Luca Bassani.

Soon after agreeing to attend this festivity, your superiors suddenly realized a gift idea for Master Rothschild was becoming quite an enigma. Upon returning home to Stately Pinhead Manor, I summoned my landscaper, who was just returning from his Northeastern University class reunion, and asked him for gift ideas for a ten year-old future collar-up.

Hours later, he returned with a video game that he acceded that Master Rothschild would be quite convivial over and if all worked out, your collar-up heroes would find ourselves invited to the next sailing expedition with Rothschild and his Italian sailing friend. The video game was a disturbing piece of urban detritus called "Grand Theft Auto: UConn Football". I flipped the box over and started reading the description of this game:

"Two years ago, Donta Moore escaped from the pressures of life in Tampa, Florida...a city tearing itself apart with gang trouble, drugs and corruption. Where film stars and millionaires do their best to avoid the dealers and gangbangers. Looking to get away from the violence, Donta agreed to play football at the University of Connecticut where the pressures of beating an opponent would not exist.

Now, it's 2005 and Donta is stuck in Storrs, CT and his desire for gang-related crime has not been cooled. Two years of playing in a sub-par college football program who strive to sue opponents rather than beat them on the gridiron has left Donta with an empty feeling that only gangland violence can satisfy.

Donta Moore: "free" safety and "free" on bond

While walking the UConn campus, a couple of corrupt state legislators try to pin their failed Big East lawsuit on him and Donta is forced on a journey that would take him to the mean streets of Willimantic, CT.

Join Donta on a wild and dangerous ride through the ghettos of the Nutmeg State where he joins teammates Tyvon Branch, Daniel Davis, Daniel Lansanah, and Marvin Taylor in shooting out car windows while avoiding gangland boss "Big Bad Blumenthal" along the way.

Liberty City. Vice City, now UConn Football, a new chapter in the legendary series from Rockstar games. Grand Theft Auto: UConn Football is rated "AR" for "ACC Rejects""

According to GamePro Magazine, Grand Theft Auto: UConn Football will get your blood pumping, but in the end, will let you down and will eventually file suit against you.

Sitting in my den reading this video game description was enough to make me run to the medicine cabinet for some penicillin, but Master Rothschild, apparently, would enjoy it. Hopefully the joy on his face upon opening our gift will ensure a spot on the Aicon 64 for a future collar-up sailing expedition soon. The things your superiors will do to maintain collar-up status...

Collar Up.

- DW

*a flip of our collars to SteveJBr for his photoshop expertise.

Sunday, May 08, 2005

$2,183,036 Down the Drain

When your superiors heard of the settlement made between the Atlantic Coast Conference and the "Mount Rushmore of Collegiate Idiocy" (Rutgers, UConn, U. of Pittsburgh, and West Virginia University), we couldn't help chuckling at the financial losses incurred by the plaintiffs.

About two years ago, those four schools filed suit against the school you wish you went to, as well as the University of Miami claiming they had "conspired to weaken" the Big East football conference by defecting to the ACC. This past week, the lawsuit that stood as much a chance of success as a fat kid in a dodgeball tournament, was finally settled.

Although the ACC owed nothing to these Big East castoffs, they ultimately agreed to give $1 million dollars to each of the schools bringing suit. Upon the announcement of the settlement, tears of joy filled the dungheaps in all four plaintiff locales, but no more than in Morgantown, WV.

With the lawsuit won, WVU students let go of their inhibitions and partied like never before

As the dorms at WVU emptied into the streets in celebration of their "victory" over BC and Miami, the homemade Moonshine flowed like water and the local ho-downs went on well into the early hours. Days later after the anti-freeze hangovers had subsided and the latest father-daughter early pregnancy test detected another eleven-fingered, DNA-challenged addition to the family, the bill from the lawyers office arrived.

Following the announcement of WVU's $1mm settlement, students mobbed the campus in celebration

Despite "winning" their lawsuit, it was discovered that West Virginia University had spent a total of $2,183,036 on legal fees to achieve their victory. Though showing a net loss of just under $1.2 million dollars after the settlement, officials at WVU issued a mindnumbing victory proclamation nonetheless.

"We believe our position as a school justified the cost, especially given the importance of athletics at WVU", explained West Virginia U. official Becky Lofstead. Admittedly, your superiors don't know Ms. Lofstead, but considering she likely spent most of her formulative years in West Virginia receiving papsmears from her father via the handle of a screwdriver, her incomprehensibility is somewhat justfied.

Daddy's little girl (and wife) awoke to a large legal bill and, soon, another welfare child

The important news for collar-ups is now the countdown can officially begin targeting that wonderful date of July 1, 2005 when Boston College is officially welcomed into the ACC. More important, BC will bid adieu to the Big East Conference, their athletic home since 1979, for good in less than two months. Like the end of a 26-year bout with diarrhea, the ACC invite became the ultimate "run stopper" that spared BC from an eternity of athletic conference mismanagement.

The most sidesplitting aspect of this suit and the legal fee losses incurred, is the fact that since WVU is a state university, actual taxpayer dollars were lost in this frivilous lawsuit. Considering there is now a $1.2mm "debit" in the state's books, it doesn't take an intellectual's imagination such as mine to postulate about how the backward state will recoup its losses. Perhaps Becky Lofstead, WVU's information minister, has an answer for that one, too.

Collar Up.

- DW

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

A Flutopian Society

I was sitting in the cabin of my private plane heading to Manhattan when I got the call from one of my drones back home. He informed me that Patriots coach Bill Belichick, the greatest coach in NFL history, had finally achieved true 'collar-up' status by signing the legendary Doug Flutie to a contract to play with New England.

Flutie, Boston College's outstanding Heisman Trophy winner in 1984, who is still one of the better quarterbacks in the NFL today at age 42, is the epitome of the 'collar-up' philosophy. A Boston College graduate who does nothing but win and wears his collar up while doing so. At just 5'9", Flutie threw for over 11,000 yards in college (the first to ever throw for 11k), and in the professional ranks (NFL and Canada), Flutie's 57,951 passing yards ranks just behind former Miami Dolphin big-game flop Dan Marino at 61,361.

Doug Flutie: Legendary Quarterback and American Hero

Predictably, when New England signed Flutie to back up Tom Brady (you'd better keep winning, Tom), opinions were mixed and split right down social class lines: Collar-ups applauded the move, while the social miscarriages, who resort to scratching lottery tickets or poker winnings to support their repulsive familes, panned the signing.

BC's "Miracle in Miami" victory is still considered the greatest college football game of all time (if you exclude Boston U's 1982 battle against Bauder Fashion College)

Up here in New England where life is better than where you live, even fans who troll in the lower middle-class realize the magic that Doug Flutie possesses. One group who clearly despises the signing, not surprisingly, is the Boston College reject society that resides at the raffish end of Commonwealth Avenue.

Most BU students/alums, even the few who actually speak english, tend to be fans of the New England Patriots. Whether its because they are the only football team they know or because their failed lives force them to gravitate to a winner for the purpose of justifying their existence, they support the football dynasty in Foxboro. By signing Flutie, the symbol incarnate of everything that reminds them that they 'played the game of life and lost', is a spear to their hearts. For the BU community, this is the kind of thing that makes the scarlet and white-trash dance extra hard on Landsdowne Street or, perhaps, gives them thoughts to returning home and tending to their camels.

Upon hearing that Flutie signed with the Patriots, thousands of BU students took to the streets on the Boston University campus to protest.

For the collar-up, Flutie playing with New England is a dream come true, a classic winner joins the classic winner. For those who wake every morning remembering the pain of their BC rejection letter, this is like finding out your new girlfriend has a penis (probably bigger than yours) or that at spring commencement, your degree will be handed out inside a "Happy Meal" box.

There is a segment of the population that dislikes Flutie because he represents their own individual athletic failure. There's an old saying that "those who do, play, those who don't, coach, and those who can't, play poker". For the latter group who has spent much of their post-high school life blaming their diminutive size for holding back their athletic future, Flutie is a slap in their faces. A NFL quarterback with more than 50,000 passing yards who looks like a mailman is proof that they, in fact, lacked the athletic ability required to succeed and the feeling that they were robbed because of their size had nothing to do with it.

Not Flutie related, just a random shot at our poker playing friends showing that even gargantuan and unathletic women play cards, too

Considering the success that Flutie brings wherever he goes, the people you wish you were have no doubt that he will make a name for himself this fall in Foxboro. Though Brady is the best quarterback in football, albeit from a worthless institution in Michigan, your superiors conceit that Flutie will be resorted to Brady's understudy.

Flutie was our obvious choice for the cover of the first edition of "Pinheads: The Magazine"

The former Saturday Night Live host had better stay healthy and stay effective, though, if he wishes to continue his legacy in New England. The way Flutie's gilded life has gone, it would be fitting if the football gods allowed the collar-up quarterback to lead the Patriots to a third straight Super Bowl victory before heading off into the collar-up sunset.

Collar Up.

- DW