Wednesday, November 29, 2006

The Fanboys Are Coming! The Fanboys Are Coming!

Listen to your superiors and you shall hear
Of the midnight ride of Pinhead Revere
On the 1st of December, 2006
Waving around BU glow sticks
Recalling that 5-0 beatdown without shedding a tear

He said to his fellow pinhead, "If the fanboys march
By camel or T from Baghdad U to-night,
Hang a glowstick aloft in the belfry arch
Of Gasson Tower as a signal light - -
One if by camel, Two if by T
And I on the disgusting end of Comm Ave will be.
Ready to ride and spread the alarm
It's not March or April, BU can do harm
And tell America's Team to be up and to arm".

Then he said "Good-night!" and without saying more
Silently crept through the decrepit Kenmore,
Just as the moon rose over Fenway,
Fanboys danced and waved glowsticks all night and day.
Then over to Warren Towers, a Baghdad U. base-of-war;
Stepping over homeless drunks and an obese rat
Blocking the moon are the BU coeds, grotesquely fat.
And a huge white elephant, its emptiness was magnified
EggAnus Arena where their hockey program died.

BU students begin the short trek up Commonwealth Avenue hoping their team doesn't stink as bad as they do.

Meanwhile, his stalker through alley and street
Waits and watches, with eager ears,
Till in the silence around him Alex hears.
The herds of fanboys at the trolley door,
The sound of arms, and the tramp of feet,
Living one of his worst fears,
BU hockey is a power no more.

Then pinhead#1 climbed to the top of Gasson Tower,
Overlooking Conte Forum and its hockey power.
By the wooden stairs, with stealthy tread,
To the belfry chamber overhead.
Creepy and dark except a rare light reflection
Moving angrily in the tower like a fanboy recalling his BC rejection.
By the trembling ladder, steep and tall,
To the highest window in the wall,
Then he paused to listen and looked down to the quad
Soon the fanboys will come, so queer and so odd
And Angry Jack's liquor flowing over all.

Taking a break to set up camp during their journey to Chestnut Hill, BU coeds call Domino's Pizza for "reinforcements".

Beneath, in the quad, they sleep like the dead
In their nice dorm rooms on the "Hill",
Wrapped in silence so deep and still
That he could hear, the 300 lbs BU coed's tread.
The watchful night-wind, as it so quickly stopped
Like BU's hockey team in March - a turd that just plopped,
Into the toilet, but "Where's your Beanpot?!"
Says the fanboys, who think Star Jones is hot.
Of the place and the hour, and the secret dread
Of the lonely belfry and the pinhead;
For suddenly all his thoughts are dropped.
On a shadowy T Station far away,
Disembarks Fanboy Nation - mostly gay.
A line of scarlet that rolls off the train,
To cry in the end and go home in pain

Meanwhile, impatient to get in and ride,
Pacing near his driver, with his heavy bride.
On the opposite side of Comm Ave stood Pinhead Revere.
Now he waits at his limo's side,
He gazed at the ugly BU "campus" near.
Then, impetuous, stamped the concrete ground,
And kicked away any rats that he found;
But mostly he watched with an eagle eye
Gasson Tower standing tall in the sky.
As it rose above the campus on the Hill,
Lonely and spectral and sombre and still.
And lo! as he looks, on the belfry's height
A glimmer, and then a gleam of fluorescent light!
He springs into the limo, and almost goes,
But lingers and gazes, till full on his sight
A second glowstick in the belfry glows.

A hurry of foreigners in the BU village street,
A shape in the moonlight, a bulk of lard,
Finding someone that spoke English without swearing was hard.
As they waltzed around like Keith Johnson with his jailbait,
That was all! And yet, through the gloom and the light,
The fate of Pinhead Nation's team was riding that night;
Leaving faster than John Sabo at "The Avenue" barfight,
Or BU fans in Worcester after they accepted their fate.

Back at the BU campus, the walkways remain empty, especially during lunchtime.

Pinhead Revere got into his limousine,
And drank vintage Bordeaux and ate fine cuisine.
To the fanboys at "The Dugout" where they hide,
He waved goodbye on the "campus" edge,
Soon there would be fanboys jumping off the ledge,
From their nights with hefty coeds, packed with Astroglide.

It was twelve by the Packards Corner clock
When he crossed the train tracks into Brighton town.
Warning the patrons of "Great Scotts" who were cocked,
Some of whom were from BU, clutching a Lane Bryant catalog,
Waving their glowsticks that cut through the fog,
That come out at the clubs when sun goes down.

It was one when he reached Cleveland Circle this time,
When he rode past "Maryanne's".
He saw the lighted Circle Cinema sign.
Swim in the moonlight as he passed,
In the "Citysides" windows, black and bare,
Collar ups gaze at him with a spectral glare,
"The fanboys are coming!" as they stood aghast
At the thought of arrival of BU's terrible fans.

It was two by the Gasson clock,
When he came to campus after warning the town.
He sensed the annoyance of the flock,
And the victory on the ice in constant freeze,
And he felt the moisture not of a sneeze.
But of the tears from those 2 unslightly girls in Worcester who wore a frown.
America's Team was safe and asleep in bed
Who at Conte would be first to fall,
The team who's season in February is dead,
And Johnny Curry - pierced by a Joe Rooney musket ball.

Despite Conte Forum's rules against bringing in items to taunt BC fans, some BU fans have found new ways to sneak the Beanpot Trophy into the Arena.

You know the rest. In the books you have read
How the redjerseys from Baghdad U waved their flag and then fled,---
How the Eagles and Superfans owned them one and all,
Each and every time their Terriers fall,
Laughing at the redjerseys as they retreated down the lane,
Then chortling at them in the tourney again
At their jobs at McDonalds and more games down the road,
And the pathetic futures for which their worthless diplomas bode.

So through the night rode Pinhead Revere;
And so through the night went his word of alarm
Heard even by the Hillbillies up north on their farm,---
A word to prepare, and not to fear,
A voice in the darkness, a knock at the door,
And a word that shall echo for evermore!
For, borne on the night-wind of 1995,
Through all their history, when their program was alive,
The redjerseys, almost here, with their women so unbecoming,
The people will waken and listen to hear
"The fanboys are coming!, the fanboys are coming!",
And the midnight message of Pinhead Revere.

Collar Up with apologies to Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.

Friday, November 17, 2006

BUrat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit of Glorious Nation of Boston University

One of this country's greatest pleasures is to sit back and escape to another world via the silver screen. Though your superiors have a tough time balancing a hectic social schedule full of cotillions and other gilded events, the people you wish you were do find the time on occasion to explore interesting cinematic options.

One day at Stately Pinhead Manor, a lively debate centering around whether a Montecristo No. 2 or a Ramon Allones would best maximize the flavor of a glass of Hubert Germain-Robin was interrupted by an advertisement for a new movie that flashed across the Pioneer flat-screen.

The film, BUrat, Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit of Glorious Nation of Boston University caught our attention. Apparently, it is a documentary about a Boston University student, "Burat", who leaves his dorm along the slatternly end of Commonwealth Avenue to make a film about his experiences and falls in love along the way.

BU senior Burat has starred in such Boston University movies such as "Beanpots and Booze: The Jack Parker Story" and "Warren Towers and Turkish Showers".

It starts with our hero, "Burat", a Boston University senior from Parts Unknown, Eurasia, riding the green line en route to meet his cameraman, Paco, an illegal immigrant from Puerto Rico who is finishing up his degree in Pharaceuticals at UMass-Lowell. While on the T, Burat spends his time reading advertisements on the train ranging from learning to speak Swahili to earning a Masters Degree in Middle Eastern Dancing online from Boston University.

After a long subway ride, Burat finally meets up with Paco and their journey is set to begin as they load their belongings into Paco's 1985 Toyota Corolla. Burat, armed with his camera-toting hispanic friend, plans on travelling across the "US and A" interviewing people asking what their favorite "Beanpot moment" is.

Paco, a soon-to-be UMass-Lowell graduate, steals the movie through his witty banter and sexual misfortunes as Burat's cameraman during their journey.

Their first stop is in Granville, West Virginia, a small town just off of Don Knotts Boulevard. As Burat begins his conversations with the Granville locals, he's immediately stunned to find they are upset that Burat has an accent that is of Middle Eastern dialect. Surprised to hear that no one in West Virginia has ever heard of the "Beanpot" or cares about Jack Parker's drinking problems, Burat becomes upset and just as he was about to curse them to Allah, he quickly understands why they seem preoccupied.

It seems that a handful of coal miners from nearby Pursglove have gotten themselves stuck in a mine. That coupled with West Virginia University's football loss to Louisville have the locals in a panic. When Burat mentions he thinks he brought something from Boston that can help the miners, the locals upon hearing the word "Boston", immediately begin urinating in plastic bags in preparation for launch. Fortunately, Burat saves the day when he opens his suitcase and offers them a case of his "dancing glowsticks" and they are used to rescue the trapped miners.

Upon their arrival, Burat and Paco were welcomed by West Virginia's Chamber of Commerce.

To show their gratitude, the Granville residents give Burat and Paco a burned couch and a copy of the latest Lane Bryant catalog to satisfy their prurient interests along the highway. Somewhere between West Virginia and South Carolina, Burat becomes infatuated with one of the models in the Lane Bryant catalog, a 300 lbs delight that reminds him or his girlfriend during his sophomore year at BU.

From this moment on, Burat's cross country ride becomes a two-fold plan, to complete his documentary on the Beanpot and to find this mysterious potbellied princess who has captured his foreign heart. Their second stop on their journey is in Pendleton, South Carolina where Burat immediately is confronted with racist overtones and open bigotry.

As the sun set in Pendleton, Burat and Paco stumble upon a local religious ceremony and figure this is a great opportunity to ask the locals their thoughts on BU's Beanpot domination. Burat, remembering the xenophobia he encountered earlier upon his arrival in the Palmetto State, figures the best way to interview the local inhabitants at the ceremony is to blend in.

Burat's photography was instrumental in getting BU's Boink Magazine off the ground in 2005.

With Paco filming, Burat slips into his white sheet that the parishiners have donned and slowly approaches a hooded man in front of a burning cross and asks him of his memories of Chris Heron's role in the 1999 Beanpot. The funny scene ends with Burat and Paco running for their lives and faster than a BU coed who has just learned of "2 for 1 Taco Day" at the campus' Taco Bell.

After two failed attempts to discover precious Beanpot memories, fate finally smiled on Burat. Just hours after escaping the mob in Pendleton, Burat stopped in a local Seven-Eleven outside of Charleston, South Carolina to buy some kashi. As Burat and Paco discussed where to go next, the clerk overheard their "Beanpot" talk and when he noticed their were buying Kashi, he asked if they were from Boston University.

To their surprise, the clerk at the Seven-Eleven was former Northeastern hockey player Donny Grover who played in the Beanpot for the Huskies and now splits his time between store clerk and parttime player for the South Carolina Stingrays. Grover's memories of the Beanpot were fond as it was the closest his team came to playing in any type of "Frozen Four".

Burat(left),interviews former Husky Donnie Grover who discussed life at NU ranging from the Beanpot to on-campus riots.

Elated by the fact that someone finally recognized the Beanpot for the world-class sporting event that it is, Burat left South Carolina and traveled west. Although his primary thoughts focused on college hockey's ultimate prize (the Beanpot), Burat couldn't stop thinking of his rotundous darling in the magazine. He found his mind thinking less about the Beanpot and more about how much he'd like to take her to Landsdowne Street, give her some Xtacy while listening to Techno and take her back to his dorm. There he would peel back her many layers of sweaty elephantine flesh hiding her scrumptous undercarriage and give her a "sexy time".

Fascination turned into obsession and Burat knew he had to have her. The plans for the Beanpot documentary were scrapped and the two filmographers changed their roadplan to Lane Bryant's corporate headquarters, ironically back home in Taunton, Massachusetts. Knowing Lane Bryant made outfits for women whose clothes can be used to protect a baseball infield during a rain delay, Burat was not surprised to learn their offices were so close to Boston University and their large market base

When Burat and Paco pulled into the Lane Bryant headquarters, he imagined that magical moment when he and his unknown love would finally meet. Many times he gave himself a "hand party" just thinking of her. As they proceeded through the lobby that included a Krispie Kreme kiosk, they finally discovered the office of marketing who would be able to help Burat find his 2-kilo hero.

Sadly, they could not bribe the marketing director to secure the woman's home address. BU hockey tickets vs. Merrimack, an signed 8 x 10 photo of Mike Eruzione, nor a free BU version of "English to profanity" would entice the official to hand over the info Burat desperately wanted.

Sadly, Burat was never able to find the target of his love and (like most BU graduates) will be left wanting in life.

Defeated and dejected, Burat and his accomplice returned to the Toyota Corolla and headed back to the Boston University campus. Paco, seeing his friend was depressed, did his best to cheer Burat up. He offered to buy him a new BU flag to wave at games and offered to even jump up and down with him during games, but there was no cheering up Burat.

In the end, Burat realizes a meeting with his fantasy lover was never meant to be and he returns to his life as a senior at Boston University. Although he will always wonder what might have been, once Burat finds himself on the dancefloor on Landsdowne Street with his fellow BU students, he discovers he is truly home, even though he is here on a Student Visa.

Collar Up.