Friday, December 31, 2004

2004, a very collar up year...

As the 'Nation bids adieu to 2004, we will remember it as one of the best in memory. Nights celebrating wonderful sporting events, the World Series, the Super Bowl, and the night Maine choked the national hockey championship game to Denver. Pinhead Nation hopes everyone, regardless of your inferior status, enjoyed 2004 as well.

If you're from Connecticut, we hope you earned significant return on your law suits, if you're from New Hampshire, we hope you became gainfully employed, and if you're from Maine or West Virginia, we hope you met that 'special someone' at this year's family reunion picnic. Anyhow, below is some interesting superlatives and tidbits that your superiors at Pinhead Nation found that made 2004 a special year.

Top Dimwit News Story:

GAINESVILLE, Fla. -- A police officer dispatched to a bachelorette party because of a noise complaint was mistaken for the entertainment.Partygoers thought Police Officer Jamie Hope was a stripper, and didn’t realize he was legitimate until he drove away with the bride-to-be in handcuffs."When he was taking her to his car, everyone thought he was the stripper and everyone said, ‘OK, the warning has gone far enough. Are you going to start stripping?"’ Police Sgt. Keith Kameg said.The 30-year-old Hope, a married, six-year veteran of the force, had issued a noise warning, and as part of procedure, also ran a warrants check on the bride-to-be. That’s when he found that the 24-year-old woman had an outstanding warrant for a violation of probation involving an open-container citation.Court records show she had failed to pay $11. Her bond was set at $11, and she was released.Said Hope: "Her friends, they were saying, ‘I’m sure he’s joking.’ I guess she was waiting for somebody to tell her the joke was over. I don’t think it hit home until we were actually in the car."(Courtesy, AP)

Top Drunken Celebrity:

Anna Nicole Smith at the 2004 American Music Awards. Come to think of it, if I married an elderly pre-dead corpse and ended up with half the estate, I'd get drunk, too.


Tara Reid too drunk to realize her top was missing at P’Diddy’s birthday party. Over the next few weeks, Patriots quarterback Tom Brady does everything in his power to get her back to no avail.

Top Sports Story from the world of the Idiotic:

Miami Dolphins running back Ricky Williams retiring from the NFL so he can smoke pot. In hindsight, it appears he made the right choice.


Cornelius Horan, a defrocked Irish Priest, attacks Marathon leader and eventual Bronze Medalist Vanderlei de Lima, during 2004 Summer Olympic games in Athens Greece.

Pacers’ Ron Artest, after asking for a sabbatical from basketball to sell his Rap CD, gets suspended for the season after fighting with Detroit fans.

The game of Dodgeball is banned in seven states, including Massachusetts from public schools. (see quote below):

"Dodgeball is not an appropriate activity for K-12 school physical education programs," according to The National Association for Sport and Physical Education, a nonprofit professional organization of 20,000 physical education teachers, professors, coaches, athletic directors and trainers. Dodgeball provides "limited opportunities for everyone in the class, especially the slower, less agile students who need the activity the most."

Top Idiotic Instructions for Household Products:

"Do not smoke until hair is dry" – Clairol Herbal Essences Maximum Hold Hair Spray

"Do not spray in eyes" – Windex Window Cleaner

"To put a call on hold, press HOLD" – Lucent Technologies Cell Phones

Best Road Sign:

"Do not drive into smoke" – Interstate 44, Oklahoma


"Do not hit this sign" – Rim Drive, Durango, Colorado

Worst Bank Robber:

An Arlington, Virginia man went to the bank and presented a check for $1,450, but the teller said that she would have to get approval from the Vice President and left. Melinda Babson, Vice President, recognized the woman's name on the check, but did not recognize the signature. Babson called the woman who said that she had not written a check for the amount. The unsuspecting man waited calmly out front sipping a cup of coffee until police arrived and arrested him for forgery. Police noted that the man was a "knucklehead" for staying at the bank. Had he left, however, police still could have easily tracked him down as he had given the teller his driver's license. (Courtesy, AP)

Best Chimp n’ Charge gaffe:

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." – George W. Bush, August 2004.

Runner Up:

"I'm honored to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein." – George W. Bush, May 2004

Worst Crowd at a Sporting Event:

In a soccer game between China and Japan in February, Chinese soccer fans yelled comments about Japan’s WWII wartime atrocities to Japanese players and fans. The match was ultimately stopped when a Japanese player was hit in the head by pieces of human waste tossed from the crowd.

Runner Up:

John Green, an ex-con from West Bloomfield, MI throws a cup of water at Pacers’ and former St. Johns University scumbag Ron Artest that leads to the worst brawl in U.S. professional sports history. (Yet doesn't crack top ten in most violent moments in the city of Detroit).

Pathetic Sports Performance:

New York Yankees blow a 3-0 lead in a best of seven series to the Boston Red Sox and become the biggest laughing stock in baseball history. The following day, millions of New Yorkers refuse to leave their homes in disgust, yet not a single day of work was missed as none are employed.

Runner ups:

New York Yankees lose 22-0 to the Cleveland Indians on August 31, 2004 to set the record for worst single game loss in baseball history. Yankee fans still upset that Cleveland "went for two" after scoring that third decisive touchdown.

Mount Westonka High School (Minnesota) loses 17-0 to the Breck School (Minnesota) in the 2004 Minnesota State Hockey Tournament. Days later, the entire Mount Westonka roster commits to University of New Hampshire.

Best New England Laws still on the books in 2004:


Dueling to the death is allowed on Sundays only, and only if the Governor is present.

No gorilla is allowed in the backseat of any car.

It is illegal to frighten a pigeon.

It is illegal for any two men to carry a bathtub across the town green (Longmeadow, MA)


In order for a pickle to be properly called a pickle, it must bounce.

Only the blind are allowed to use white canes.

It is illegal for any truck to exceed 25 mphs, unless if on fire (New Britain, CT)

Silly String is banned (Southington, CT)

New Hampshire:

On Sundays, it is illegal to relieve oneself while looking up.

It is illegal to sell clothes you are wearing to pay off gambling debts.

Rhode Island:

It is illegal to throw pickle juice on a trolley.

Any marriage where either party is considered an ‘idiot’ or ‘lunatic’ is null and void.

Punishment of $20-$100 will be imposed for anyone impersonating an auctioneer.


You may not step out of a plane while in flight.

Christmas Decorations must be removed by no later than January 14.

Shotguns are required to have in church in case of Native American attack.

To stroll down a street while playing the violin is against the law.

Here's hoping for a wonderful and safe 2005 for all of our collar up friends. As the clock strikes midnight this evening, please join the 'Nation in welcoming in the New Year by putting on your tuxedo and raising your glass of Chateau d'Yquem. Share with us in reflecting on a quality year and remembering those inferiors who served our dinners and gave our kids their first sailing lessons to help make our lives better in 2004.

Collar Up.

- DW

Thursday, December 30, 2004

Everything's Coming Up Maroon and Gold...

What a wonderful morning. Sure, we've endured 2 feet of snow, 36 hour power outages, and some horrible news from overseas, but today, life is good at Pinhead Nation World Headquarters.

While the 'Nation was sipping brandy by the fire last night, America's Team was busy dispatching St. Cloud State, aka UNH-West, in the Florida Classic Hockey Tournament. Although winning this tourney is about as exciting as winning a $5 door prize at my Yacht Club's Holiday extravaganza, it's always nice watch Saint Cloud come up empty in a tournament. Honestly, has there been a tournament invented that the mighty Huskies of Saint Cloud can't lose?

As tasty as my Moscato Bianco Orange Macadamia Nut Tort was at dessert, few things were sweeter than watching the neanderthals from UNH and Maine embarrass themselves in their games as well. Maine, a team that couldn't score in an Amsterdam whorehouse with a fist full of hundreds, lost to Cornell, while New Hampshire was outclassed by Michigan State out in Detroit. The good news for UNH is that they survived their trip to Detroit, the murder capital of the world. Although losing a hockey game in OT is tough, "falling in sudden death in Detroit" could have been a lot worse.

Though UNH will probably rebound just in time to get bounced from the NCAA tournament in the first round, it appears that the animal husbanders from Maine are more likely to see a dentist this year than see their Blackbears play in late March. The good news for me is since Blackbear hockey will be over early, the potato pickers in Maine can get an early jump on the spring crop so I can enjoy my Mediterranean Potato Casserole early this season.

If you happen to be in South Central Maine, that horrible stench in the air is not the paper mill in Old Town, but the hockey team in Orono. Last year, Pinhead Nation boldly predicted the demise of Maine hockey. Although most will say we were wrong, it is clear that, since your friends at Pinhead Nation are better people than you and see many things you can't, we were simply a year early. It appears that Timmy-Time has officially begun in the land of two-tone blue.

Though basketball is hardly the sport of kings, I'd be remissed this morning if I didn't mention that Boston College's beloved hoops team overcame a 14-point deficit to beat Kent State at the buzzer last night in Chestnut Hill. Reports on the AP wire today state a bald man in a headset was babbling incomprehensibly and had to be restrained by authorities following the contest. Though no one could understand his words, the words "wow!!" and "retractable roof" were repeated several times.

Finally, it's hard not to think about the victims of the Tsunami in Asia. In case there's any more evidence you need to show that this world is completely f'ed up, check out this tidbit mentioned to me by our friends over at The United States is giving $35 million in financial aid to those countries ravaged by the Tsunami. George Steinbrenner is giving $25 million in luxury tax to major league baseball. Nice to see we are giving $35 mm to feed and cloth these victims, while King George is giving $25mm to ensure the KC Royals can sign Mike Sweeney. Talk about priorities.

Collar Up.

- DW

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

J-E-T-S, choke! choke! choke!

There are few certainties in life, but until recently, 'death, taxes, and a Red Sox collapse' were givens. Now that the 'Sons of Epstein' have given Babe Ruth a kick in the ass, it's high time that the New York football Jets and their annual December collapse be a concept that you can "take to the bank".

With a 10-4 record and a chance to knock off the defending champ Patriots at home in the rotten apple, the Jets did what they always do, nothing. Between the time Ed the Drunken Fireman led his first idiotic "J-E-T-S" chant and when Chad "Big Game" Pennington whimpered off the field, the Patriots had dismantled the Jets 23-7 in front of 77,000 dead-beat dads and work-release ex-cons in New Jersey.

The great part of this story is Pennington, the blond-haired, corn-fed 'Huckleberry Finn' reject, who seems to be Tom Brady in Superman's "Bizarro-World". The bigger the game, the worse the former Marshall product plays. He's like a football combination of Mike Dukakis, Ernie Banks, and the "Hindenberg" disaster. This is the same backwards clown who reminded us all it is a "privilege" to watch him and his Jets play.

Although it's easy to stick the hillbilly tag on Pennington since he's a Marshall grad, it should be noted that he was actually a finalist for Rhodes Scholarship while a member of the Thundering Herd. Come to think of it, no one will ever confuse Marshall with any school of llegitimate academic integrity. Realistically, earning a Rhodes Scholarship from Marshall is the northeast equivilent of earning 'dining privileges at Wendy's', so maybe I should temper my comments here.

Regardless, the Pennington Jets, once again, are circling the bowl this December. If they don't win on Sunday vs. St. Louis, they could very easily find themselves drinking vodka martinis with Joe Namath while watching the playoffs on TV once again this winter.

Tough sports year for our criminal friends 200 miles to the south. This member of 'the Nation took a field trip to the Jets/Pats game a few years ago and I must say, these scumbags can't be more miserable for me. Just knowing Jet fans were unhappy was the greatest gift I got this Christmas. I guess us Bostonians can teach New Yorkers a little phrase we don't need around these parts anymore, "wait 'til next year".

Collar Up.

- DW

Friday, December 24, 2004

Twas the Night Before Christmas...

It is that time of year to put up our annual Christmas poem as an ode to our fun friends over on USCHO. Enjoy!

Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through USCHO,
Not a creature was stirring... and BU still sucks since the year Drury went pro.
The UNH banners were hung, in the Moneywhore Center with care,
In hopes that their empty trophy case wouldn't be bare.

The BUnit losers were spooning each other snug in their bed,
While visions of Chris Bourque naked ran through their head.
With Justin (from the NU doghouse fame) in his 'kerchief you'd think he would snap,
From being used to his Huskies forever playing like crap.

When out on the roof of the new Harry Agganis Arena arose such a boom,
It was Touchdown Mikey Ayers breaking his stick over the crossbar as he led UNH to further NCAA doom.
He hauled around his NCAA GAA, which is larger than life,
And toted his broken stick from the Frozen four, jagged and sharp as a knife.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow,
Gave the lustre of midday to the huge rats that run around BU below,
When, what to their wondering eyes should appear,
But a UNH Hillbilly (easily identifiable by his UNH jersey that he wears 365 days a year underneath his NASCAR jacket) trying to bang a reindeer.

(NOTE: to his defense, there were no sheep available in New Hampshire tonight. Also note that we have no way of knowing, but we are pretty sure this Hillbilly was indeed bobo)...

Driving the sleigh was a banned USCHO legend that we all miss,
I knew in a moment it must be eaglebunny/newton1/oldsalty/bobbybrady/CHRIS!!!!!!!.
More rapid than UNH chokes, his subservients they came,
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name:

Now rufus! Now bobo!
Now, morgan and acs64!
On, Chuck Murray! And Da Bid Bad Cow!
On, Todd and Alex!
To the top of the porch!
To the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away!
Pinhead Nation is better than you all!"

We can still hear all the UNH fans cry,
From when their team choked and fell on their face harder than a brick falling from the sky.
So up to the house-top the courses they flew,
With the sleigh full of BC line combinations for 2008, UNH/BU/Maine busts, and darin too.

And then a tinkling was heard above the shutters,
One of the Hillbillies was urinating in the gutters.
(this all works out though, since BU smells like a giant puddle of urine anyway).
One of the BUnitwits heard something and turned around,
He saw a post-season goalie better than any UNH goalie ever... a simple dirt mound
(you'd be surprised at how a mound of dirt can really improve a disgusting campus like BU's)

Chris!!!! was dressed in 2001 National Championship apparel from his head to his toe,
and his clothes weren't tarnished like the titles in Orono.
A bundle of busts he had flung on his back,
and he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.

He was nervous and uptight, like he is during every BC game,
But not really angry, like when BC lost to Notre Dame.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
soon showed everyone they had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
and filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
and giving a nod, up the chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh and, to his team of idiots, gave a whistle (not an annoying one like Dick Umile),
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But they heard him exclaim, 'ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"

Collar Up

- Mav

Thursday, December 23, 2004

Is Randy Johnson a Yankee yet?

Boy oh boy has life been tough for the inhabitants of the Rotten Apple 200 miles to the south. First, they must live with the "worst choke ever" label permanentely tattooed to thier foreheads. Next, they watch the Red Sox end 86 years of bullcrap, and now, they are spending their Christmas holiday without the eleven-foot ostrich lefty who is still receiving his mail in Arizona.

"It's a Wonderful Life" starring Jimmy Stewart will be a fun watch for Sox fans this Christmas. Two World Championships in 2004 and maybe a third in February (although unlikely) has transformed "Loserville" into a town where the roads to our sports arenas are painted in gold.

For New Yorkers, two things in life are certain: That they will be brutally murdered in a violent crime, and the Yankees will always be able to dictate their will on the rest of Major League Baseball. Although we can be confident of the first one, the second certainty is slowing slipping away as the Pinstriped ones are not only losing on the field, but now they are losing big time off the field.

Last July, George Steinbrenner figured he'd just write a check and bring the perennial National League ace Randy Johnson to the Bronx to tidy his team up and prepare them for a playoff run. When he found out he couldn't have him, Steinbrenner went berserk and couldn't understand why other teams wouldn't bend over to help ensure the ex-felon another World Series crown.

Without Johnson, the once proud Yankees were left to fight off the Red Sox with a pitching rotation that couldn't beat Toms River, NJ's little league team. Once the dust settled the only lasting memories of the playoffs that the unemployed scum at Yankee Stadium had of the 2004 playoffs was Alex Rodriguez swatting a ball like a girl, and of the Old Town Team dancing on the field at "The House that Capitalism Built".

With Christmas coming, Steinbrenner and his fans expected to find an extremely ugly 6'10" lefty in their stockings this holiday. Funny thing about Christmas is you rarely get what you want and if you get what you want, they forget to buy the damn batteries that go with it and with every friggin' store in town closed, you have to wait to use it, but I digress.

On Tuesday night, word came out of Los Angeles that they will not help the Yankees acquire Randy Johnson by being the third team in a deal with Arizona. Interestingly, it was partly due to the Yiddish Shawn Green's refusing to waive a no-trade clause that help put the kaibosh on this deal. Leave it to a guy who never had a Christmas Tree to ruin King George's Christmas.

Now the fun really begins. Red Sox fans can now cut over to ESPN during commercials of "Charlie Brown's Christmas" to see what broken down has-been will be donning Pinstripes this spring down in gangland. Sources close to Pinhead Nation report that the Yankees are close to obtaining former Astros' J.R. Richard and Mike Scott to shore up their rotation, to go along with Kevin Brown and Javier "Clutch" Vazquez.

There's nothing like the holidays to help bring out the joy, even if I am giving the finger to anyone with New York plates who happens to come across my way.

Collar Up.

- DW

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

UMaine has...

Time to have some fun as Pinhead Nation prepares for a Christmas full of expensive gifts, delicious Noble Gold Chocolate Cheese Terrine, Moscato Bianco, and Orange Macadamia Nut Torts.

We realize that most reading this will celebrate their Christmas' holiday with boxed wine and stale brownies, but I digress. Let's have some fun with our inbred neantherthalic friends from the North. Play along, and maybe even a collar down like yourself can enjoy the role play:

Insert anything you want after the phrase, "UMaine has..." Consider this your Christmas gift from Pinhead Nation. Here are some ideas to help you get started.

U Maine has the biggest redneck fan base this side of NASCAR.

U Maine has 2 national titles, which is more teeth than any Maine fan has.

(It's also more teeth and toes than any UNH fan has. Two is also greater than zero. Zero is the number of national titles UNH has won. Which is news to me, because judging by the way their fans act, you'd think they had about 18 national titles at least)

U Maine has 28 year old Canadian freshmen playing hockey for them.

U Maine has sold their team bus and decided to travel in an old pickup
truck with a shotgun rack on the back window to travel in style like their fans.

U Maine has decided to put up a building honoring the biggest scumbag coach in college hockey history...proud of those NCAA sanctions and violations much?! We can only assume he is looking up from his cave in hell and is proud of what UMaine has done for him.

U Maine has a football team that is easily top 4 in New England (behind BC, Harvard, and UNH, of course).

(At least they have a football team. More than we can say about that 2nd-tier school on the filthy end of Comm Ave. Baghdad U fans don't even realize how pathetic it is...

HELLO!?? McFly! You'd think they'd be experts on things that are pathetic considering they went to a filthy, pathetic school with a pathetic hockey team. But when you stop and think about it, New England football really is on the rise with Harvard and BC dominating the scene, and UNH and Maine coming up quickly. It's a shame Uconn doesn't have a football team, either... otherwise, it'd be a good region for football.)

U Maine has lots of trees surrounding it... which begs the question I came up with recently. If a tree falls in the UNH trophy case, and there are no national trophies there to see or hear it, did the tree fall? Think hard about that one...I'm still not sure.

Collar Up


Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Merry Christmas Dolphins from the New England Patriots

Well, that sucked.

Ain't life a bitch sometimes. Two years ago, the Miami Dolphins had an eleven point lead with less than five minutes to play in Foxboro against the Pats in a huge game for the fish. Minutes later, the Fins choked like a fellatiating midget and the Patriots prevailed. Last night in the town that Tony Montana built, Miami returned the favor by beating the hapless Patriots and, in essence, putting a nail in New England's Super Bowl coffin.

Although there is much blame to be dealt out, 'the Nation puts this loss right in the chin dimple of Tom Brady. Brady, who is showing almost daily now why he was a sixth-round draft pick, hasn't played this badly since he was dumping snail tracks on Tara Reid's upholstery in 2002. He gets a break that year since he was clearly more focused on avoiding VD than scoring a TD.

While watching the game in my plush Pinhead Palace, I realized that last night's loss pretty much eliminated the Patriots from winning their third Super Bowl in four years. No way they beat Indy in the divisional playoffs and UConn has a better chance of winning a Bowl Championship Series than the Pats do of winning in Pittsburgh. Count on a ten point loss to the Jets next Sunday and a second seed heading into the playoffs, which will be one-and-done. The 2004 New England Patriots are dead to Pinhead Nation at this time.

Anyhow, it's clear that the 'Nation has ruffled some feathers with our scathing indictment of NASCAR. Sure, some feelings were hurt and some truths exposed, but honestly, Pinhead Nation couldn't be more proud. To those backward inbreds who pray at the altar of Mark Martin and Dale Jarrett, get over it.

Isn't it enough that these uneducated hilbillies get to choose our President every year? I mean, let's be honest, the redneck, ahem, red states voted for the current pantload in the Oval Office mainly because he's just as illiterate as most of them. Considering that Pinhead Nation's tax dollars pay for their subsidized housing, their WIC checks, and probably a portion of their "dead beat dad's" child support, NASCAR fans can hardly be upset at the 'Nation simply telling it like it is.

Collar Up.

- DW

Friday, December 17, 2004

White Trash on White Walls

At Pinhead Nation, we feel we give a service to our inferiors by discussing many things, mostly within the world of sports. Because sports is a multi-billion dollar industry, the rise of "quasi-sports" has inundated our airwaves and created a new wave of filthy degenerates, looking to hook their trailers up to something that will make their wasted lives seem meaningful.

In today's edition, I'd like to discuss a fad that is quickly rising in the sports world is evolving our society from "white collar" to "white trash". Across the globe, the message is spreading that we, as Americans, are quickly becoming the dumbest sports fans in the world. This fad, of course, is NASCAR.

According to their website, NASCAR is an acronym for "National Association of Stupid Caucasians and Rednecks". They proudly claim that there are over 75 million NASCAR fans today and, not surprisingly, not a single one of the 75 million is gainfully employed at a job that doesn't include the phrase "thank you, drive up" in their workday.

It should not come to a surprise to anyone that NASCAR and its fans are generally found in the inbreeding states of the south, and of course, the land that time forgot called New Hampshire. During most weekends of the year, NASCAR fans prostitute their sisters to scrape together the $75 needed to pay for a ticket to watch cars go round and round. Father's eyes throughout the racetrack grow misty with pride when that day finally comes when 'father and son' can share their first fatal wreck together.

Looking at the NASCAR race schedule, it seems that most of the races fall on Sundays, you know, the Day of the Lord. For that reason, churches in Pensacola, Florida, Durham, New Hampshire, and Mysistersbeardgotcaughtinmyzipper, West Virginia are full of leather wearin', "chaw" spittin' hillbillies who are praying that "anyone but Gordon" takes the checkered flag that day.

After church, NASCAR couples proudly strut to their pick-ups, throw on some classic Randy Travis, and tell their three kids (all from different fathers and likely named "Dale", "Earnhardt", or "Intimidator") that they are "fixin' to see something good today down at Darlington"...

Shockingly, TV ratings for NASCAR are currently higher than golf, baseball, and basketball. Almost as mindboggling is the fact that they currently have contracts with NBC, Fox, and TNT totalling about $2.8 billion dollars to televise third grade drop-outs cut eachother off while advertising Viagra and Penzoil ads on their cars.

Needless to say, Pinhead Nation does not condone NASCAR and suggests that fellow collar-ups avoid this "sport" at all costs. Scientific tests done at Johns Hopkins University in Maryland prove that every minute you watch NASCAR, your IQ actually drops one point. Consider yourselves warned.

Collar Up.


Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Vaya Con Dineros

Finally, the ad in the employment section of the New York Daily News has been answered. In case you missed it, here was the ad:


Middle-aged, rag arm needed for fledgling baseball franchise in Queens, New York. Attitude problems a must. Perks include free car detailing at one of many automobile chop-shops around Shea Stadium and close proximity to international airport for departure a week before the All-Star Game and arrival three days late following. Also, free Prescription Plan offered through former Mets' Dwight Gooden and Darryl Strawberry. Please contact Omar Minaya at (212) 555-1986 to apply. Applicants less than 30 or of North American heritage need not apply.

And with that, the Pedro Martinez era ended in Boston on December 13th, 2004 (ironically 8 years to the day Roger Clemens bolted the Sox for Toronto). Similarly, both took more money and both ultimately ended up playing closer to "home". Clemens to his dude ranch in Texas and Pedro to his filthy, poverty stricken wasteland where a nickel can get you an "hour of power" with any of the local streetwalkers who mistakenly think a "Dirty Sanchez" is the guy who sells mules behind the Santo Domingo Soybean Farm.

To be honest, it's tough to blame Pedro here. I mean, there is no loyalty, right? So the Red Sox guaranteed his $17.5 million dollar salary last year when they really didn't have to. So they let him carry a freakishly moronic midget around with him in the clubhouse. Being allowed to come and go as he pleased, it wasn't a perk, it was merely a show of "respect" for a guy who if not for a guy named Abner Doubleday, would probably be pimping his midget friend for $1 "half-pint hummers", while trying to figure out the best way to roll up and smoke a mango tree.

The Sox, though, should have seen this coming and if Pedro is the villain here, Theo Epstein is the clown. Epstein, the 30 year-old Wunderkind who fifteen years ago was getting stuffed in lockers at Brookline High School while gratifying himself to pictures of Bill James, got played like a fiddle in these negotiations. Sources close to the 'Nation say Epstein's parents have given Theo a ten-minute "time out" as a punishment for botching this deal and Theo is now in a state of panic fearing that Santa will not be coming to his house this year.

Not only did Baby Theo refuse to demand a "deadline" for Pedro (which may have allowed the Red Sox to have a real shot at Carl Pavano), he let Pedro dictate his terms while continuing to negotiate against himself with Jason Varitek. Blah! His solution? He signs the only guy in professional sports with a worse body than me and because Curt "I don't do interviews" Schilling's ankle is still hurt (wonder if carrying that World Series trophy around for two weeks instead of rehabbing helped), the two-ton David Wells will be your opening day starter at Yankee Stadium for the champs. Seriously, can a World Series champ be mathematically eliminated from the pennant race before they raise the banner on opening day? The 2005 Red Sox are dead to Pinhead Nation at this time.

Great to see the 'Nation is attracting some feedback. As your superiors, we are always going the extra mile to remind you of your inferiority. To my friends on Babcock Street, you know the BU-Nit Boys Choir, thanks for dropping by. Glad to see you can take time out of your busy day of playing Twister with eachother and contribute to the site. As always, Pinhead Nation (or as we like to call ourselves, YOUR daddies), appreciate the emulation.

With the holidays approaching, America's Team is off until they play a holiday tourney in Florida against Cornell, St. Cloud, and Animal Husbandry University at Orono, Maine. Meanwhile, the filthy ones at Kenmore State play the U. of Minnesota without oveRAYted Chris Bourque who will be playing in the World Junior Championships with America's Team goaltender Cory Schneider. Hopefully Schneider gets to play and earn some experience that he can use in this year's Frozen Four, while Bourque is left playing "mini one on one" while listening to old Fred Cusick calls with dear old dad come April.

Collar Up.


Thursday, December 09, 2004

Sorry Huskies, UCan't

Before I start today's lesson, I want to pass on a personal note on the imminent passing of WBZ broadcasting legend David Brudnoy. I had the pleasure of speaking with Mr. Brudnoy on a handful of occasions when I was working at WBZ covering the Boston Bruins. Without a shadow of a doubt, Brudnoy was the single greatest radio personality/broadcaster in my lifetime and no one will ever even come close to matching his talent and his class. Pinhead Nation wishes to pass on our condolensces to the Brudnoy family and the good folks on Soldiers Field Road.

Now, I couldn't help noticing that there is a sport that was invented three years ago originating in tiny Storrs, Connecticut called "football". The sport, you see, is kind of like Rugby, but is played with helmets, pads, and (as I understand it) is fun to watch.

This past fall, the University of Connecticut, (where according to Obi Wan Kenobi, "you will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy") had a football team that was so good, that women and children feared its prowess and grown men whimpered at the mere mention of its name. Since the sport was "invented" in Storrs, the UConn team, under the leadership of Coach, wait, who are we kidding, Emperor Randy Edsall is earmarked for perennial national glory.

This season, the Huskies "captured" fifth place in the powerhouse Big East conference with a quality 3-3 record. By achieving hallmark victories versus national juggernauts Duke, Murray State, Army, and SUNY-Buffalo, they earned a trip to beautiful Detroit for their first ever Bowl game. To the victor go the spoils and after breezing to a 7-4 record, they will challenge the Toledo Rockets in the Motor City Bowl where the winner will receive a lifetime of free oil changes and an Exxon "Save the Tiger" refrigerator magnet.

For Husky fans (I'm talking about the team nickname here, not the physical description of the mastadons who play on the, ahem, women's hoops team), this is just the beginning. Since Boston College has jumped to the ACC because they fear a New Big East Conference that now houses the powerhouse Huskies, The University of Connecticut will soon, according to their fans, challenge for national glory.

The question isn't if they will win a football national crown, but when. Although QB Dan "Marino" Orlovsky will graduate with a degree that is worth the same as the Cottonelle that is proudly being utilized in my bathroom right now, whomever takes the reigns in Storrs will certainly strike fear in the hearts of college football programs throughout the land.

Why is UConn destined to shame all those in college football from Bobby Bowden to Touchdown Jesus? Because their fans want them to. For them, it's their God-given right to have a national championship caliber football program. If the coaches and players can't do it, the state of Connecticut will rain lawsuits on all those who stand in their way. You see, according to the NCAA, the "BCS" doesn't stand for Bowl Championship Series, it really stands for "Because Connecticut (will) Sue".

If this concept doesn't make sense to you, well, congratulations, you are a sane thinking humanoid. You see, when you are from Connecticut and follow UConn athletics, you are likely used to free handouts. You are probably participating in the state's Welfare program, you likely buy your Pabst Blue Ribbon 40's with food stamps, and are certainly taking advantage of Section 8 subsidized housing. To UConn fans, a national college football championship is just as expected as getting a Christmas bonus in their unemployment checks.

But unfortunately for fans of the UConn Huskies football program, the NCAA doesn't award championships based on how badly their fans want them. Sadly, that means the Huskies will be forced to earn a football championship which will probably happen the day after Rebecca Lobo is crowned the new "Miss America".

So until that wonderful day happens when UConn football rules the Earth, they will be left watching New England Patriots games in that beautiful new E. Hartford football complex, while listening to Bob Neumeier call Hartford Whaler games on their headsets, and humming the sweet sounds of Brass Bonanza. Oh wait, never mind...

Collar Up.

- DW

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

The Truth and Readying for the Attack of the Drunken Hobos

I am currently writing this from my secret underground bunker because it is clear that the apocolypse is here.

The Red Sox are World Champions, Howard Stern has found a radio service that allows him to drop f-bombs, and now, current Celtic and career pain in the ass Gary Payton is giving Paul Pierce advice on being a good role model for the other players.

I'm not a huge bounceyball fan, but I do remember the glory days of the 80's for the Shamrocks. About a week ago, the selfish Celtic Captain Pierce chose to mouth off to coach Doc Rivers for not "hustling" and go himself benched. Since Paul "GarciaPierce" has chosen to become a jerk, in steps Payton to lecture to the media that Pierce must stop being selfish. Payton lecturing anyone on behavior makes as much sense as Barry Bonds doing the next "Flintstones" vitamins commercial, but it says a lot about a guy who got stabbed and almost died a few years ago and how perspective can be lost after signing a $14mm per year contract. I guess the gift of life and millions of bucks ain't what its cracked up to be for # 34.

Big game on Friday night for America's Team as they take the ice at Conte Forum against the Northeastern Huskies. Far beit from me to disparage the competition (yeah right), but Northeastern annually couldn't qualify for the Massachusetts Super 8 Tournament let alone the NCAA tourney. With BC toiling at 6-3-3 right now, you'd think NU would be just what the Doctor ordered.

But to quote ESPN's Lee Corso, "Not so fast my friend". Sure, the last time Northeastern hockey had any success (Beanpot, NCAAs), yours truly was a spry high school senior jammin' in my 1978 Ford Mustang to Billy Squier tapes, while shaking off the effects off a bad night of drinking Purple Passion behind Waverly Oaks Park, but I digress.

This year's Husky team ain't bad, not good by any stretch of the imagination, but they ain't bad. Sure, their coach (former Bruin Bruce Crowder) could get outcoached by a one-armed drunken monkey, but the Eagles are going to need to get out of their scoring funk fast or they can kiss the Hockey East regular season crown goodbye. I'm not going to call this one a gimme for America's Team, but BC losing to this team would the equivilent of getting lost in your own driveway.

One thing is for sure, anytime you are in the vicinity of Northeastern fans (read: street people), it's definitely cause for concern as the only four-letter words these people don't know are "work" and "soap". BC recently mailed a letter to hockey season tickets holders ensuring that there will be plenty of penicillin shots available on Friday to ward off any diseases that the "collar down" neanderthals from Huntington Avenue may be carrying during their 2 hour stay in Chestnut Hill. Also, BC fans should keep their hands on their wallets at all times as the "Scumbag Alert Level" will be raised to "Severe" from 7-9:30 pm on Friday with NU coming to town.

Collar Up.


Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Imitation is the Greatest Form of Flattery

In hindsight, we should have seen this coming.

When Pinhead Nation began to grow from a fad to the pop culture icon that it is today, it was just a matter of time before an inferior knock-off came down the pike. Like "New Coke" and all the "Survivor" rip-offs, it was not a surprise that someone is attempting to copy the Utopian, but exclusionary, brotherhood that is the 'Nation.

I bring you a group who call themselves "BU-Nit". The best I can tell, this group consists of four or five low-class Boston University students who have gone out of their way to emulate Pinhead Nation. In between taking turns giving eachother "high sticks in the crease" and giving themselves a good grab to a 1978 photo of a plaid-jacketed Jack Parker, these "male friends" do their part to enrage or ridicule the greatest institution on the face of the Earth, Boston College.

As always, it's great to be an original, not a cheap carbon copy consisting of uneducated hooligans who, because of low S.A.T. scores, find themselves attending classes at the dirty end of Commonwealth Avenue and preparing for a career in the fast food industry. What can I say, although I do feel that some Boston University alumni can beat the odds and go on to live normal and quasi-successful lives, most, will simply take jobs requiring them to wear name tags or begin a work interaction with the phrase "Can I help you?"

If any of these BU-Nit(wits) want to do something meaningful, they are welcome to come to Pinhead Nation Headquarters and sweep our floors or answer the phones...

ps- It's the holiday season, so don't forget to pick up one of these for a special friend who had his heart broken last October.

Collar Up.


Hillbilly logic 101

Good evening everyone, great web blog from darin this morning. Now it's my turn. It's come to my attention after a good night of sleep that we really need to address Hillbilly logic. Pinhead Nation, while experts on many things, probably can put Hillbilly logic on the top of the lists of things we know all too well. Why? Well, it's simple. When we talk football, we deal with the WVU Hillbillies. Then football season turns into hockey season (and with Tom O'Brien at the helm, football season ends quickly unless you get excited about the bowl) and we go right into discussions with New Hampshire and Maine Hillbillies. In summation, we deal with Hillbillies basically year-round and they never cease to amaze us with their stupidity. This is why we're experts on the subject.

First point on the agenda. Look, we're just smarter than you. Deal with it. This is why we went to BC, and you went to UNH and WVU. If you did some homework and had an IQ larger than the number of teeth you have, maybe you could have gotten yourselves into a 2nd tier institution like Baghdad University on the scummy end of Commonwealth Avenue. Instead, you got stuck with a 3rd tier university. Deal with it, people.

Secondly, we care about this thing called personal hygiene. Most importantly for you to think about is dental hygiene. Most of your teeth have already rotted by now, but could you at least brush the one tooth you have left to save yourself some dignity... I mean, seriously. Ok, next, mullets are not acceptable. When were they acceptable? I'm not sure they ever were, but it was over 20 years ago if it was. Cut that Mullet! It looks dirty and only serves to perpetuate the Hillbilly stereotype. We know you want to look like your favorite UNH hockey player, but why don't you just go riot on the streets in Titletown rather than wear the mullet. It's much better for your looks, and the rioting (and couch burning if you are in WVU only) is certainly entertainment when compared to the next best alternative, cow tipping (a close 3rd was banging one's sister). And the last point of hygiene, soap and deodorant. Buy some. Enough said.

At this point, after all the Hillbilly bashing, I'd like to thank the UNH, WVU, and Maine folk. Without you guys, who knows where science would be. We are all in debt to you forever for having allowed science to use you as an easy example to prove that humans evolved from apes. We're not sure why you're a few million years back in the process of evolution from the rest of humans, but regardless, you guys really have a great Caveman thing going on... but let Johnny Damon do the Caveman thing, he makes it look good. You guys/girls don't.

NASCAR: Oh gosh, where do start on this one. Look, this isn't a sport. It just isn't. Why would someone spend several hours watching cars drive around in circles? Seriously!? This basically proves how pathetic your existence is. You spend your time watching cars drive around in circles. Again... enough said.

Ok, now onto the real core of the blog, Hillbilly Logic. We know you're going to twist things the way you want them to make yourself feel good and to try to discourage us. Then realize we'll use your own Hillbilly logic against you to make you look stupid. You're going to tell us our 1949 hockey title doesn't count because it was 50+ years ago. We're going to tell you we didn't have to cheat to win it (Maine) and it's still better than not having any (UNH). We'll also call you on it, tell you to get some nuts and go tell Michigan fans that 6 of their 9 national titles don't count because they were won before 1960. You will back down like a gutless pig (malts18). You lose, we win. We'll ask you if you'd like to trade your 2 Hockey East titles for our 2001 National Title. You'll dance around like a sissy and won't answer the question. Again, you lose. We win (again). You'll tell us that our football team has never won a Big East title. We'll tell you that we will NEVER win a Big East title, because we're going to the ACC, you're not, and now you're stuck in a mid-major conference because no conference wants you. Sad but true. Again, you lose. We win (yet again). You'll tell us that we'll finish in 6th place in the ACC. We'll tell you that we beat Virginia Tech in Blacksburg last season, this season's ACC champs, and that we're going to be fine since we play up to competition and now we're out of a league full of chumps. Yes, you lose... AGAIN. We win... AGAIN. Hillbilly logic never wins. Rather than waste our time arguing with us (although it is fun sometimes making you all look stupid), just go find some friends, rub some sticks together and try to make some fire, ok?

Lastly, no matter what your sports team does, we're BC grads and you're not. We'll wake up in the morning, with a great night of sleep, and wake up to go to our jobs, where if we have time, we'll go out for lunch and perhaps frequent your establishment where you work the fryolator. Just don't mess up my order and I won't jump over the counter and kick your ass, ok? No argument will ever change this, no sports results will ever change this. You have no looks, no brains, and no chance. You've got nothing. Deal with it.

Collar up!


Monday, December 06, 2004

What's the going rate for a quality snowman decoration?

Have you ever left work on a Friday expecting a certain type of weekend and by Monday morning, you're shaking your head saying "what the f just happened?" Well, welcome to life inside Pinhead Nation headquarters this morning.

We have to start this morning with the absolute trainwreck that was the Boston College (America's Team) vs. Kenmore State University hockey game on Friday. Someday, someone will be able to explain to me how a team loaded with offensive monsters suddenly couldn't score if they were in a monkey whorehouse with a bag full of bananas.

Without a doubt, Dan Bertram and Ryan Shannon will appear on milk cartons today as apparently, neither the freshman phenom or the team captain found their way to the Urinal (Walter Brown Arena) on Friday. Needless to say, BC found a way to lose 3-2 to the Terriers and give Senile Jack his 700th career win in front of 3,806 unwashed and uneducated Boston University students/alums.

The Eagle Ice Capaders, ahem, "rebounded" and somehow managed to score just one single goal (queue Bob Uecker's line in Major League, "That's all we got, one goddamn hit, er, goal?") in a tie vs. cellar-dwellar Providence at Conte Forum on Saturday after pelting Friar goalie Dave Cacciola with 61 shots.

Kudos, though, to the BC mens hoops team who beat UCLA last night in the John Wooden Classic in Los Angeles. Nice to see someone from Chestnut Hill besides Elisabeth Filarski and Raj Bakhtar from "Apprentice" representing the maroon and gold in Tinsletown.

Moving on to other tales of athletic idiocy, we have to talk about the UNH football team this morning. Although we at Pinhead Nation admire Ricky Santos and his Bellingham, Mass roots, it's tough not to chuckle at the sight of the Gridders from Title Town, NH dropping a 47-17 nailbiter to Montana in Division 2 ( you know, one step above high school football), playoff action. Can't help wondering if hockey coach Whistlin' Dick Umile himself gave a pregame pep-talk to the boys before they marched off to their own personal Little Big Horn on Saturday.

Finally, from the sublime to the ridiculous comes my brother's new career choice. My bro recently got the "heave-ho" from his job in a construction company and is currently living off "the man". Anyhow, on Saturday night, he informed me and my family he has purchased large amounts of plywood and paint, and is now making his own wooden "snowmen" that he will sell at craft fairs. This was also news to his wife, who came home the other day to find her loving hubby surrounded by wood and working on his "prototype" that he proudly displayed this past Saturday. To her credit, she had a wonderful quip that I will share:

"When most people lose their job, they buy the newspaper and look through the help wanted, not Davy, when he loses his job, he buys plywood and starts making snowmen", said my brother's (likely) first wife.

Anyhow, Pinhead Nation wishes my brother well in his new career. Hopefully he can fight off the competition from ten-year old cub scouts and elementary school kids who are currently flooding the market with inferior, but cheap, snowmen. With any luck, my brother will put these elementary school "entrepeneurs" out of business and force the urchins to make money to keep the heat and electricity on in their schools elsewhere.

Finally, a tip of the cap to Falmouth hockey phenom Corey W. for being selected to play in a ten-minute game between periods of the Boston Bruins' alumni game next February.

Collar up.


Friday, December 03, 2004

"Buy me some peanuts and needle tracks..."

In a news story that is about as surprising as "Texas votes for Bush" or "McDonald's leads to Obesity", Barry Bonds and his size 8.5 head finally fessed up to Steroids. Shockah! Bonds, along with that parasite Jason Giambi, who ironically has parasites, told a Grand Jury they contained chemicals and preservatives that make them hit the ball "wicked fah."

Far beit it from me to throw stones, as anyone who knows me and my physique is pretty damn aware I am juiced up, too, but the hypocricy leaves me scratching my head. Baseball's Emperor with no clothes, Bud "if I shut my eyes, it'll go away" Selig has yet to make a definitive stance and has not threatened to ban Bonds or the Giamb-ino from the game. Too bad Pete Rose, you know, the guy with the boys regular hair cut and answered only to a guy named "Sully from Atlantic City" chose to play the odds rather than juice his body. He'd certainly be a Hall of Famer, who probably would have hit about .800 if he was a Balco client, instead of baseball's version of a fart in a car.

Anyhow, on the NCAA ice, the second-ranked Boston College Eagles (America's Team), travel about three miles and back about 5000 years worth of evolution down to Boston University to take on senile Jack's horrible Terrier squad. Considering how badly BC played against BU in last year's Hockey East quarterfinals, the 'Nation expects BC to blow this game open early and cruise to their fourth straight victory at the Urinal (Walter Brown Arena).

Sign on soon to see which BU (as well as other Hockey East) players are ridiculed and laughed at here at the Official Site of Pinhead Nation.

Collar up.


A letter from the Management

Good morning and welcome to Pinhead Nation. At the ' Nation, we work hard and go the extra mile to point out shortcomings, give unsubstantiated criticism, and generally mock those we see fit. Check in often as members of Pinhead Nation will make your life better by letting you know who sucks on a regular basis.

Collar Up.