Friday, April 29, 2005

Mailbag Friday, 4/29

Happy Friday everyone and welcome to another installment of Pinhead Nation's "Mailbag Friday". Friday is the day when you troglodytes finish your work week, put your paper-hats and ditch-digging shovels away, and crack open a cold Natural Light. As you know by now, every Friday, your superiors respond to the facile questions or comments that are taking up space in your ephemeral minds. If you would like a superior group of people to answer your concerns, please drop us a note at ''. If you're fortunate, we will respond to your meager inquiry.

Without further adieu, let's see what is inside this week's mailbag.

Q - Scott M (Exeter, NH). Guys, I just noticed that ebay has a U.Maine "Keith Johnson" game-worn jersey for bid. First, do you know if his 13-year old girlfriend is sold separately or does she come with the jersey? Second, how much do you think this will go for? It's a shame to see someone lose their shanty in Maine to buy the jersey of an alleged pedophile. Lastly, I think you guys should buy it, sew a collar onto this sucker and wear it collar up at the next Maine vs. BC game. Great site and thanks in advance for answering my question.

A - Scott, Thanks for alerting us to this jersey going up for sale. I'm sure whomever wins this jersey will immediately be placed on the sex-offender registry. I hardly think that his "girlfriend" is included with this purchase. As I understand it, women up in Maine can be purchased with cattle or "magic beans", so I can't imagine someone actually spending money to get her. Regarding the final cost, I'm sure some inbred Maine resident will trade in his tractor to secure such a piece of UMaine hockey history.

Maine forward Keith Johnson will gladly give anyone under the age of 16 the shirt off his back

Q - Justin B (Denver, CO). Hey Pinhead Nation! After capturing our seventh NCAA hockey championship (just a couple of months after capturing our 18th national skiing championship), the Pio Nation is heading up to Aspen to celebrate our ice and snow superiority. Although we are too modest to call ourselves "collar up", we invite you to our chalet to assist us in popping the tops of our fresh new "bubbly".

A- Justin, first of all, congratulations on Denver U's championship, it was certainly earned and your superiors gladly flip our collars up in their honor. Thanks for the invite to your chalet in Aspen, as it turns out, your superiors own a suite at the Hotel Jerome on East Main Street and will be gracing Aspen with our presence this fall. Perhaps we can arrange a belated celebration when we arrive and toast our flumes to the current 'maroon and gold millennium'.

The Pinhead Nation Suite at the Hotel Jerome in Aspen, CO is a place where your superiors can let our collars down while maintaining elite collar-up status

Q - Paul M. (Worthington, OH). Hi guys, first I miss you guys on USCHO and I hope they will allow you back. Speaking of USCHO, I have a hypothetical question for you. If you were trapped in a car, would you rather be trapped with comedienne Paula Poundstone or USCHO board admin Paula W.? I know it's a horrible choice, but I was curious what a "superior being" would choose.

A - Paul, are you a sadist? Anyhow, regarding your "hypothetical question", if suicide was not an option, I guess it would depend on my current age. Since Paula Poundstone was recently accused of sexually assaulting a 14 year-old child, I would probably choose Paula W. if I were still in my young and formulative years. Being digitally manipulated by a middle-aged comedienne is hardly on my "to do" list. On the other hand, if I was a child and trapped in a car with Paula W., there's a pretty good chance she would swallow me whole (after suspending me for no reason). Tough one, Paul. I guess I would choose Poundstone. Being eaten alive is a fate I wouldn't wish on even the lowest collar-down wretch.

Being trapped in a car with Paula W. is considered 'cruel and unusual punishment' in 49 of the 50 U.S. States (West Virginia).

Well, that's going to do it for another weekly installment of Pinhead Nation's "Mailbag". The people you wish you were thank the social derelicts who sent us questions this week and invite you to drop us a line. Who knows, we may actually answer your inquiry and give you something to live for.

Collar Up.

- DW

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Poker, the Official Game of the Socially Retarded Male

As I sat in my residence sipping a surprisingly piquant glass of brandy from Yountville in the Napa Valley, I was curious to see what I could find on the television. After ordering one of my drones to flip the channels on the remote control until finding a program to my liking, I quickly became aware that our society is close to its all-time nadir. Of all the incomprehensible idiocy being broadcasted today, nothing comes close to the bedrock of white trash that is televised poker.

Your superior's position on poker, and other card games, is clear: Poker is a game played by corpulent shut-in males completely devoid of athletic ability, who feel that winning a card game somehow justifies their cadaverous lives. In the world of a collar-down washout, the thrill of defeating a fellow decaying sloth in poker, who has likely consumed between 8-12 "Miller High-Life's", somehow catapults himself to the highest level of competitive success.

Dateless and unemployed friends can always count on Poker for a night of socially retarded enjoyment

The greatest misconception among those who spend their weekends sitting around a card table smoking "White Owl's" is one can "become an expert" at poker. For those who want to challenge the people you wish you were on this concept, understand the basic concept of cards, and gambling in general, is based on nothing but pure luck. Sure, you can "bluff" and through countless years of absorbing the incalculable bark of an elephantine wife, you can develop a comatose "poker face". Unfortunately for those seeking to master the art of Poker-Nirvana, the game is 1% skill and 99% luck.

Now, realizing that poker is a game built for the current or future "dead beat dad", your superiors are at a complete loss to understand the concept of watching poker on television. As my subordinate flipped the channels on my HD, I was astounded to see several programs displaying countless raffish louts trying to "outsmart" eachother at the poker table. To be honest, I'm not sure if I was more surprised that some of these likely fugitives would risk being spotted on TV by the FBI or by the fact that there are people in America who were actually watching this detritus.

Poker players may not know how to flush a toilet, but certainly know this kind of "flush"

Although your superiors scoff at those who play poker, we understand that, in many cases, the "Queen of Hearts" is the closest many of these offscourings of society will get to actually touching a "female" weighing less than a Volkswagen. Poker is a game that brings rabble together where they can freely discuss and compare alimony payments, as well as play the "who has gone the longest without seeing their children" game.

That being said, we surmise that one must be below the lowest rung of society's ladder to actually sit in front of a television and watch others play poker. Playing poker with a handful of your "lowest common denominator" friends is one thing, but how lonely of a castaway must one be to actually sit alone in front of the tube and watch other lumpy also-rans play?

It's clear to your superiors that the intellectual capacity of our society is approaching an all-time low. With the emergence of nationally televised NASCAR and live ESPN telecasts of poker, the disparity between collar-ups and collar-downs has never been so great. Our white collar society has evolved into a white-trash one. Perhaps there will be a day when polo and sailing, once again, dominate the competitive minds of the casual citizen. Until then, there will be two sets of society: Those who aspire to be Boston Brahmin, and those who aspire to win at Texas Hold 'Em.

Collar Up.

- DW

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Mailbag Friday, 4/22

It's hard to believe it, but we've reached the end of another week and a new installment of Mailbag Friday. Your superiors hope your work week was free of fryolater burns and hope you can enjoy your meager weekend, likely one chock full of hunting for empty cans and avoiding creditor calls.

The people you wish you were apologize for not having a mailbag Friday last week, but due to several "collar-up" social functions, we were unable to answer your menial inquiries. Remember, each week, Pinhead Nation will do our best to answer your feeble-minded questions or read your opaque comments sent to our email at Let's open this week's mailbag and see what's on your imbecilic minds.

Q - Matt (East Lansing, MI). Being the catholic educated intellectuals you people are, what is your opinion of the new Pope Benedict XVI?

A - Matt, Thanks for your response. First, it must be hard going to a school that is so academically and athletically inferior to your rivals in Ann Arbor, but I digress. Now, the 'Nation welcomes the new Pope to the Vatican and wish him well. While I was happy to see the new Pope, upon seeing him I was stunned to realize the true power of "Lucas Films". With the new Star Wars movie coming out (sure to delight dorks throughout the world), I couldn't help wondering how much it cost George Lucas to convince the Vatican to elect Emperor Palpatine as its new Pope. Clearly, this is a stroke of marketing genius that even Pinhead Nation respects.

Pope Benedict XVI has promised to maintain the Vatican's strict conservative values, as well as rid the world of all Jedi Knights.

Q - Cindy (Boston, MA) - Hey guys, hope you enjoyed Frozen Four. Did you happen to see that story about the Virgin Mary apparation in Chicago? Isn't that spooky?

A - Hi Cindy, we did see the story on the news about the "Virgin Mary" sighting under that highway overpass in Chicago. Pinhead Nation doesn't have an official opinion of what that image actually is. Considering how slow-witted most of society is these days, though, it's no surprise to us that people are stopping traffic to see a waterstain under an overpass in one of the ugliest cities in America.

The mysterious Virgin Mary apparition in Chicago, like the enigmatic Johnny Damon apparition in New York, is causing worldwide attention.

Q - Paul (Ponca City, OK) - I know Pinhead Nation "sees" more than the rest of us, but don't you find it odd that just hours after you wrote that blog trashing Cubs SS Nomar Garciaparra, he suffers a potential season ending injury?

A - Paul, I'm not sure what you are insinuating, but considering Garcia-pop-up is made of glass nowadays, it didn't take an intellect as superior as Pinhead Nation to see he was likely to suffer another injury. Luckily, Nomar has an able bodied husband at home who can help ice him down in between soccer games. Your superiors wish Nomar well and hope it doesn't hurt him too much when he has to insert his tampon.

Damn these nasty yeast infections!

Well, that's going to do it for another installment of Pinhead Nation's mailbag Friday. Remember, if you have a question or comment that you would like a person clearly better than you to answer, drop us a line. If you're lucky, we may just answer your question and make your day.

Collar Up.

- DW

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Thanks, Beautiful.

Each morning before beginning another lucrative day, your superiors peruse the sports pages throughout the land to see how folks in cities that don't win championships are getting by. While reading the Chicago Tribune this morning, I chuckled upon reading about the struggles of former Red Sox trainwreck and current Cub Nomar Garciaparra.

Nomar, the former Orleans Cardinal and Georgia Tech Yellowjacket, is hitting .163 this morning after another outstanding 0-5 effort last night in Pittsburgh. Though Garciaparra is hitting cleanup for Chicago, he finds himself this morning tied with myself in homeruns with zero and has knocked in just 4 RBI. E6-aparra's power numbers are about as lively as Mickey Mantle's liver these days as his slugging percentage is a laughable .184.

Nomar's Miserable Disposition Was a Welcome Subtraction to the 2004 Red Sox Clubhouse.

It seems like just yesterday the Red Sox had to deal with this human raincloud and his testiculette wife Mia Hamm. Since being hit on his favorite wrist in a game and missing most of the 2001 season, Nomar has blamed everyone from the Boston Red Sox to the Boston Pops for his diminishing stats. Claiming the Red Sox management was floating rumors that he was milking an achilles heel injury that occurred in an offseason soccer game, Garciaparra's daily scowl was as expected as the morning sunrise.

Mia Hamm and Yoko Ono Will Forever Be Known as Women Who Ruined Their Husband's Careers.

Upon his return to the Sox lineup in June, 2004, Nomar decided it was in his best interest to threaten Boston's management by claiming he would need to spend significant time on the disabled list in August due to his nagging achilles. Finally, refusing to be held captive by a man whose nose would make Pinocchio blush, the Sox cut the cord.

On a wonderful Sunday afternoon in July, 2004 the overrated waste product and his "beautiful" husband Mia were shipped to the place where World Series' crowns go to die in Cubbie Land, USA. Upon his arrival at the "House That Henry Rowengartner Built", Garciappara immediately declared to the world, contrary to what he told the Red Sox, that he was 100% healthy and ready to contribute to the Cubs' (chuckle) playoff run.

Nomar and Mia Left Boston For Good on July 31, 2004

Despite his proclamations of outstanding health, Garciaparra did, in fact, find himself on the disabled list in August and missed 15 games for Chicago. Not surprisingly, in his absence, the Cubs flourished and appeared to be a shoe-in for the playoffs. Although they could not catch St. Louis for the divisional crown, the wildcard was seemingly theirs until the man with the big nose and weak arm returned to the Cubs lineup.

Cubs fans, as usual, strike a depressed pose when October rolls around.

With Nomar back, the Cubs bottomed out and finished the season by winning just twice in their last nine games to complete a late season Cubs collapse that was mind boggling even by their standards. Of many things, baseball is a game of statistics and trends. Is it a coincidence that Garciaparra's former team are World Champions today while his current team is going on 97 years without a championship?

The Red Sox Celebrated Nomar's Departure by Purchasing Some Jewelry, while the Cubs celebrated by wasting money on printing 2004 World Series Tickets

In the end, everything worked out perfect for the people you wish you were. The Boston Red Sox won it all, while Chicago's curse completed another sad and pathetic chapter. As Nomar toils around the Mendoza Line and the Cubs drift further and further away from the postseason, your superiors raise our flumes and celebrate that wonderful afternoon when Garciaparra packed his bags and left Beantown for the Winless City.

Collar Up.

- DW

Monday, April 18, 2005

$200 Million Doesn't Buy What It Used To.

As another Monday arrives and the memory of another spectacular weekend in Pinhead Nation disappears, I had a call from my financial planner this morning and we had an interesting discussion. I asked him what are some fun and exciting ways to blow $200 million dollars.

He mentioned that for $200mm, the people you wish you were could pick up one of the new Boeing 7E7-8 Dreamliners where we could jet 217 collar-ups anywhere in the world. We could use that money to vacation in Disney World about 3 million times or so. I suppose if your superiors were feeling generous, we could treat 5,000 future collar-ups to a world-class Boston College education.

The reason for the discussion with my financial planner is it appears that New York convicted felon George Steinbrenner is discovering new ways to blow $200 million dollars again. After his New York Yankees became the laughing stock of the professional sports world this past fall when they set the benchmark for choking in the playoffs, his band of overpaid and gangrenous ballplayers is 4-8 and tied for last place in the A.L. East with the perennial doormat Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

At 4-8, the Chokees are off to their worst start since 1991 when Roberto Kelly and the immortal Hensley "Bam-Bam" Meulens patrolled Yankee Stadium outfield. Back then, Scott "Cy Young" Sanderson anchored NY's pitching staff while Steve "Second Chance" Howe was splitting his time between blowing saves and snorting chalk from the infield baselines.

Overpaid and underachieving purse-swingers like Alex Rodriguez has helped destroy the image of the Yankees as winners

Though the 'Nation does appreciate the efforts of shortstop Derek Jeter (Jeter earns collar-up status for signing with NY out of his school and spurning a scholarship offer to play with the hooliganistic Michigan Wolverines), it appears that Jeter's championship opportunities are in his rear view mirror nowadays.

Derek Jeter's championship opportunities appear to be behind him.

For years, Steinbrenner has been able to pluck baseball's superstars from their current state of purgatory into a Yankee system that has been a machine for baseball success. Since the rise of the Boston Red Sox, the Yankee owner has become even more obsessed with spending and appears to have finally lost his mind. Considering the Yankee payroll of $205 million, the Bronx Busts' slow start is even more side-splitting.

$205 million dollars down the drain...

Tonight at the "House that Dead-Beat Dads Built" in the Bronx, Steinbrenner's Yankees will battle the Devil Rays in an epic battle to crack the deadlock in the American League East. Although the Yankees will outspend Tampa this year by only $168 million or so, 55,000 homeless crack addicts will be in the Stadium tonight crossing their fingers hoping the Yanks can outlast the hard charging D-Rays.

It's unfortunate that Steinbrenner has chosen to waste his money in such a frivilous manner. To think, if he had any good sense, the Boss could have used his funds to recreate the 1997 movie "Titanic" (costing a record $200 million) and, this time, keep Kate Winslett topless for the entire two-hours.

Collar Up.

- DW

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Frozen Four Diary

While enjoying the good life in Columbus, Ohio (if that's even possible), your superiors employed one of our underlings to keep a journal detailing our trip so to remember the day "the upper crust" and "true elitism" honored Columbus and The Ohio State University with our visit. Below is a chronicle of the week the people you wish you were celebrated in the deleterious land of central Ohio.

Wednesday, 10:30 pm.
We arrive at Columbus airport and are on our way to our limo. As we walk through the terminal (those ungracious rubes refused to let our limo pick us up on the runway), we witnessed 120 blondhaired North Dakota fans loitering while waiting for their bus and whispering something about a superior race.

Wednesday, 10:31 pm
As a result of the entire population of North Dakota being in Columbus (the above mentioned 120 North Dakota fans) Canada marches an army full of cheap strippers liquored up on Molson Export into the defenseless state and claims it as a new Canadian province. When the news of the invasion hits, most Americans brush it off as most thought North Dakota was already part of Canada.

Thursday, 11:43 am
We witness our first UNH fan wearing NASCAR garb. Immediately, we realized that you can take a UNH fan out of New Hampshire, but you can't take "white trash" out of a UNH fan.

Thursday, 2:00 pm
The first semifinal starts. Denver is here. CC hasn't shown up yet.

Thursday, 2:30 pm
First intermission and we see a girl from UNH. She tells us that she hasn't showered today. We're not surprised. She tells us soon after that she WANTS to take a shower after the game. We are VERY surprised.

Thursday, 3:30 pm
CC still hasn't shown up. A MCR (Missing Canadians Report)is filed with Columbus Police Department seeking the whereabouts of the Tiger hockey team. Columbus Police immediately light up highway signs for a state-wide "Amber Alert", but realize such an alert would only be effective for locating Keith Johnson's girlfriend, so the alert is called off.

Thursday, 3:42 pm
CC scores and they are only down by 3 goals. An RIT fan sitting behind us that looks more dead than alive, takes our her dentures and screams "one more time Tigers!". Apparently, she is a resident of the "Land of Moral Victories" (a la the "Friends of UNH Hockey") or has a ph.D in mathematics from the University of Massachusetts. Your superiors chose not to chortle at the RIT fan as there is no point in making fun of a club hockey team.

Thursday, 7:00 pm
The second semifinal begins. North Dakota's band immediately starts a musical piece used during Hitler's march into town during World War II. Cheers of "Hail Zajac" are heard throughout the rink as the UND Fighting Aryans take the ice against the Minnesota Gophers.

Thursday, 9:30 pm
Minnesota pulls a "Poland" against the Third Reich's hockey program and surrenders without breaking a sweat. The Sioux add insult to injury by shaving Gopher coach Don Lucia's head to send a message of intimidation to those Minnesota fans living along the North Dakota border.

Friday, 2:00 pm
CC's Marty Sertich wins the Hobey Baker Award. However, he cannot accept the trophy as it had gone missing minutes before the ceremony. It was later found that USCHO's Paul Weston "got the munchies" and ate the fabled trophy after a tray of brownies was misplaced by Arena caterers and no food was present for the ceremony. Weston was nabbed by local authorities when remnants of the trophy were seen inbedded in her mustache.

Friday, 7:08 pm
We receive a call from a source that Chris Bourque, who had just signed a tryout contract with the AHL's Portland Pirates, has just held an impromptu press conference in Portland. Here is the official transcript:

Chris Bourque: "I have decided to leave the Portland Pirates. I didn't think it was going to be as hard or as serious as it was. Jeez everyone, can't you make it easy for me? Don't you know who my dad is? (Chris Bourque begins to cry) Daddy help me..."

Portland Pirates PR official: "As you can see, Chris is very upset. This press conference is over."

The 'Nation feels bad for Baby Bourque. He went from hockey's equivilent of a "McDonald's All-American" to an "All-American who will likely be working for McDonalds." As a BU dropout, he automatically is accepted into the McDonald's Management Training Program and with his quick hands, should be Vice President In Charge of the Fryolater by year's end.

Saturday, 7:30 pm:
Like soldiers storming the beaches at Normany, the Denver Pioneers pummel Nazi Dakota and send the Sioux into full retreat. Denver's allied forces surround "Desert Fox" Drew Stafford and "Eich Mein Parise" and by 9pm, accepts North Dakota's full and complete surrender to capture the NCAA crown for the second straight year.

Saturday, 10pm:
Dakota coach Dave Hakstol is located hidden in his bunker deep in Columbus' underbelly and, reportedly, takes his own life by being forced to watch hours of BU coach Jack Parker's instructional video on "The Fast Break Offense and Creating Scoring Chances". With the Dakota regime defeated and its leader eliminated, screams of joy and happiness fill the streets of Denver that will last right up until the horrid play of the Denver Broncos quickly sobers up the Mountain High masses.

Sunday, 9am:
After waking to a round of Bloody Marys', the people you wish you were are carted off to the airport where our chartered jet awaits. During the flight home, we reflect on our journey and think of those who minumum waged employees who helped us enjoy ourselves during the week.

Collar Up.

- Mav

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Merrimack Achieves New Level of Embarrassment

There are many instances in the life of a Collar-Up that we thank the good graces for making us the superior folks we are. Through quality family upbringing, strict adherence to social structure, and most important, superb education, the people you wish you were enjoy life and take pity on those less fortunate.

That being said, we do realize we are a lucky sort and understand that most aren't as privileged as your superiors at Pinhead Nation. As we traveled home from the Collar-Up Convention held this past week in Columbus, Ohio during the NCAA Frozen Four, we reflected on our optimacy and imagined the plight of the raffish hobnails that we must tolerate in society every day.

During our conversation, it didn't take long until we began to focus our discussion on the rueful society that is Merrimack College. Students are forced to attend a school like Merrimack for many reasons that may or may not be their own fault (lack of funds to attend a legitimate college, limited brainpower due to a mother who drank large amounts of anti-freeze during pregnancy, etc). One group of Merrimack students who chose to attend the school to play in a Division 1 hockey program went out of their way to bring further embarrassment to a school that epitomizes the word "wretched" during this past week.

Trojan Condoms share a similar logo with Merrimack College's. According to a Trojan spokesman, like a Trojan, Merrimack hockey is good for one shot every three hours.

The latest installment of Merrimack idiocy surrounds their head coach Chris Serino. Serino, an expert at coaching a loser from his days as a UNH assistant, was made aware that a vote was taken by the entire MC Warrior hockey team unanimously demanding his resignation. They blame Serino for this past year's side-splitting 8-win season as well as the fact that the Warriors have never finished above 7th in Hockey East during his tenure.

Warrior coach Chris Serino, upon hearing of his player's vote, must have surmised the "vote" was a verbal one and not a petition as none of the current Merrimack players know how to write.

Since Serino is currently the interim Athletics Director at Merrimack, it seems that Hockey East's band of 25 year-old Canadian thugs will be forced to take their grievance to Merrimack President Richard Santagati. Pinhead Nation's position in this fight is clear, MC's players, who would be pumping gas at the Thunder Bay, Ontario Exxon Station if not for Serino's scholarship offer, should realize that they are fortunate to be a member of Hockey East.

Like the logos for the LA Clippers and TB Devils Rays, the Merrimack College logo is a synonym for athletic refuse.

The question that surfaces in the highly developed minds of your superiors is why the student body hasn't demanded the resignation of Serino. Since 2000, his Warriors have averaged a humilating 9.5 wins per season and, with no talent to speak of, resort to cheap play often resulting in injuries to their talented opposition. The only assumption to be made is the dunderheaded Merrimack students have simply accepted losing as a part of their collegiate experience or realize their lives have many greater problems than the plight of their hockey program.

Merrimack fans realize their hockey program is laugh-out-loud embarrassing, but accept it as just another failed aspect of their ineffectual lives.

With Serino's dismissal from Merrimack clearly forthcoming, the 'Nation will be interested to see who takes over behind the bench at the Volpe Center next fall. The ultimate irony would be if former Northeastern cast-off Bruce Crowder was hired to continue the moribund tradition of Warrior hockey. The good news for MC fans is they can't go anywhere but up, the bad news, of course, is they are still Merrimack College fans.

Collar Up.

- DW

Monday, April 04, 2005

"Bourque" and "Books" Don't Mix

While I was sitting by the fire finishing the last sip of a very outstanding Armagnac brandy, I received a call from a dear old friend informing me of big news out of Kenmore State College. It seems that freshman Chris "oveRAYted" Bourque, having already been feted by being named to Hockey East's All-Rookie Team, as well as a Beanpot Most Valuable Player Award, has once again achieved the remarkable. In the same breath as someone breaking the "3-minute mile" or the US Olympic Team's victory over the Soviets in 1980, Bourque had done the impossible: He managed to fail academically at Boston University and has dropped out.

Bourque, whose father excelled on the blue line, had trouble coloring within the lines as a freshman at Boston University.

This past Friday, Bourque left a crayon written note for senile BU coach Jack Parker which said "Me no like skool, I'm kwitting to play hockey in Canada near Santa Claus". Parker, seeing the note was unsigned, spent the next several hours trying to figure out its author since, considering its jargon, could have been any BU player. It finally dawned on Parker that it was the young Bourque who would be leaving.

Although Bourque had been seen as someone who could put BU hockey back on the map, the Cushing Academy "graduate", instead, joined former Terrier "academics" Scott King and Dan Lacouture in a bizarre "dimwit trinity" of feebleminded Boston U. hockey dropouts. Admitting he "wasn't a big fan of going to school and going to class", Bourque cleaned out his locker at the Egg-Anus Arena and joined the Moncton Wildcats of the QMJHL.

"Zero..Point..Zero, the lowest in Faber History"

News of Bourque's departure hit BU's student body hard as the school reports food lines in the cafeteria for "Palak Paneer" and "Dalchini Palau" entrees, usually 100 deep for hungry BU freshmen, have never been so empty. School officials also report several absences in Jai Alai matches throughout campus as well.

Perhaps the portion of the student body that Bourque's departure is hitting hardest is within the female population at Boston University. Once the news broke that the young and handsome Bourque was leaving, hundreds of BU beauties surrounded his dormatory and in a show of unity and admiration, all lit their mustaches on fire.

With Bourque gone, BU coeds have returned to dating one of the many camels roaming the BU campus

The bottom line is the 19 year-old Bourque struggled in a university whose valedictorian needs a tutor to find "Blue's Clues". Then again, perhaps it wasn't academics at all that failed Bourque. The truth may be that, like his father, Chris realized he would never win a championship in Boston and was forced to leave and seek victory elsewhere. Regardless, young Chris Bourque is leaving all three hundred Boston University hockey fans heartbroken and will now play in a Moncton program that, unlike BU, won't give academic credit for watching cartoons.

Bourque's girlfriend at BU, a former "Boink Magazine" Centerfold, couldn't convince Chris to stay in school

The 'Nation raises our glasses of brandy and wishes Chris Bourque well and hopes BU fans can find another famous NHL player's son to help fill seats in their soon to be White Elephant of a hockey rink.

Collar Up

- DW

(A reminder that the people you wish you were will be in Columbus, Ohio for the rest of the week and your favorite web-blog will return next Monday)

Friday, April 01, 2005

Mailbag Friday, 4/1

It's a new month, spring is in the air, and your superiors have decided to turn over a new leaf. Perhaps it's the impending crack of the bat signalling the new baseball season that has lightened our mood, or maybe it's just that we've come across lately as a bit smug or slightly arrogant. Regardless, with today being the day you look forward to most, Pinhead Nation's Mailbag Friday, the people you wish you were are taking a "kinder and more gentle" approach to our loyal fans who wish to be honored by asking your idols a question.

As always, you can send your question or comment to and if you're fortunate, we'll answer your inquiry and do our best to address your meager concern. So without further adieu, here's this week's mailbag.

Q - Mike B.(Orono, ME). Watching "America's Team" look like a JV team against the Sioux last weekend just made my day. The only regret is they didn't give up ten goals.

A - Mike, thank you for your concerns about the plight of the Boston College hockey program. Like you, we were disappointed that America's Team's season came to a sudden halt at the hands of North Dakota. Sorry to hear that Maine lost to Minnesota, we were really rooting for them to pull it off. Trust us, no one was more surprised than the 'Nation to see Maine coach Tim Whitehead unable to outcoach Minnesota's Don Lucia. Your superiors felt awful for Maine fans and we're sure that next year the Blackbears can pull it together and win another national championship. Good luck with your studies, too. We know how difficult the curriculum is at U of Maine and admire your efforts to succeed at such a quality institution.

Though hockey season over in Maine, there are still many wonderous summertime activities awaiting residents of "Vacation-Land".

Q - Adam C. (Lidgerwood, ND). I assume you Pinhead Nation guys will be rooting for the Fighting Sioux to win it all now. Go Sioux!

A - Hi Adam, thanks for checking in. Due to prior contractual arrangements, the 'Nation will be rooting for Minnesota. We apologize, but as in the business world, verbal agreements cannot be broken. Although we can't support your Sioux next week, your superiors are considering buying some property in North Dakota soon. With so much to do in North Dakota, hiking, scrapbooking, wandering in the wilderness, where else would we want to go for a quick getaway. If there is a more cosmopolitan place with more interesting people than North Dakota, we'd like to know where it is.

Is there anyone who wouldn't want to spend every day with these North Dakota folks? Not us. Not us, indeed.

Q - Jesse M. (Madison, WI). Hi Pinheads. I don't post on the site, but being a Badger fan, I read it often. I enjoy reading what darin, MAV, and SteveF write (I assume you guys are Pinhead Nation) but I just saw you were all suspended again. Why are you people always getting suspended?

A - Jesse, like many moderated websites, the word of the "site adminstrator" is law. Although hockey is a sport designed to be entertaining, the USCHO board admin has chosen to squelch anyone rooting for America's Team who dares to deviate from their punctilious set of commandments. Your superiors appreciate the efforts of the USCHO administrators for the yeoman's work they do. Just knowing they can patrol thousands of posts while keeping abreast of every rumor and tidbit pertaining to next season's Battlestar Galactica and Babylon 5 series' is astounding. All this without the ability to rely on female companionship for assistance. Again, in the spirit of "turning the other cheek", your superiors simply say "our bad" and say how much we respect the USCHO board administration.

With an iron fist, used for maintaining order and self-gratification, the USCHO admin ensures the trains surrounding USCHO-land always run on time

That's going to do it for this week's Pinhead Nation mailbag. Remember, email your superiors whatever is on your mind and we may just make your weekend by responding to you.

Collar Up.

- DW