Monday, February 28, 2005

U.Maine, where NCAA Rules Go To Die

Life is funny sometimes, even for those of us in the upper levels of society. Just when it appeared that America's Team had hit rock bottom by losing to UMass-Lowell (sorry Riverhawk fans, losing to UML is like losing to Stevie Wonder in a game of tag), your favorite college hockey team rebounded by smacking New Hampshire in Durham, NH.

Though our annual trip to the New Hamsphire seacoast region (also known as the "Redneck Riviera") usually ends in disaster, this time Boston College beat UNH so badly, even the gerbils in UNH fan's backpockets felt the pain. Before the engines in the hundreds of pick-up trucks parked at the Whittemore Center had cooled, America's Team raced out to a huge lead and cruised to an easy lopsided victory.

Now, with one team from the land that "evolution forgot" in their rearview mirror, Boston College welcomes the ultimate hockey hillbillies this weekend as Maine visits civilization this weekend for a pair. Before the double-wides and "dip cups" arrive, it's important that we, the people you wish you were, told you a quick lesson U. of Maine hockey.

Maine is an interesting program armed with arguably the most backward fans in all of college hockey. Perhaps it is due to the fact that the Commonwealth of Massachusetts literally owned Maine up until 1820, Maine residents still dislike Massachusetts to this day for being left behind to pick potatoes while Massachusetts enjoyed the industrial revolution and social evolution.

Orono, Maine is the home of the state's University and is also known for its numerous UFO sightings, 17-year old grandmothers, and hundreds of violated farm animals reported annually (normally blamed on locals drinking anti-freeze). U. Maine hockey has also done its part to bring embarrassment to their homestate as well. Although Maine hockey started in 1977, its history really began when coach Shawn Walsh took over the program in 1984 and began winning the old-fashioned way, by cheating.

Armed with a lack of morality and a penchant for 24 year-old Canadians, Walsh quickly turned the Blackbears into a national power. NCAA rules be damned, it took less than ten years until Maine won its first National Title in 1993, and for the most part, has been a contender ever since.

Rules? We don't need no stinkin' rules...

Unfortunately, the legacy of Maine hockey and athletics in general is marred with several NCAA violations that would suggest they should be called the "Black marks", not the "Black Bears".

After Maine's historical season that saw them win 42 games and lose just once en route to the 1993 NCAA title, it didn't take long until the NCAA got wind of how U.Maine did its business. The very next season, it was found that Maine players Cal Ingraham and Jeff Tory played while academically ineligible and after an investigation, Maine had to forfeit 14 games and ended up getting credit for just 6 total wins. Since Maine, a true "no-collar institution", has the academic integrity of The Bauder College of Fashion, your superiors are at a loss to understand what one has to do to become academically ineligible from U. Maine.

Like a child who refused to learn its lesson, Maine was caught cheating once again in 1994 when it was discovered that several hockey players were receiving free food in the school cafeteria, a violation of NCAA rules. Your superiors have eaten on campus at U.Maine and truth be told, we wouldn't pay for that detritus, either. Though this would be minor compared to violations to come, it was clear that Shawn Walsh and his cast of crony assistants were finding new and exciting ways to cheat on a daily basis.

Shawn Walsh, Cheater

As the 1995-96 season got underway, less than a year after Walsh's Blackbears lost to Boink University in the 1995 NCAA final, Maine hockey was competely exposed for several rules violations. On December 12, 1995, it was announced that Maine's hockey program had violated 26 NCAA rules and was immediately banned from the 1996 Hockey East and NCAA Tournaments. Walsh was suspended for one entire year, while minions Grant Standbrook and Greg Cronin were banned from recruiting anywhere off-campus because of several recruiting violations. Without the luxury of recruiting 20-something mercenaries from Parts Unknown, Canada, Maine would take a hit on the ice as well.

Visitors To Maine are Quick To Learn its History

Fortunately for Maine hockey, the NCAA violations stopped after coach Walsh died in 2001. His last game behind the bench for the Blackbears was a loss to Boston College in the 2001 NCAA quarterfinals. In one of those "life imitates art" moments, it should be noted that Walsh was kicked out of his last game midway through third period after arguing with referees regarding a penalty call. Few Maine fans realized as he left the bench that night in shame, he had coached his last game.

Walsh's legacy of cheating may have ended, but Maine's athletics program continues to find itself fighting off NCAA rules violations, specifically with its football program. In October, 2002, a pair of football players were kicked off the team after being accused of sexual assault and in 2003, it was discovered that their football coaches never disclosed that one of their players was caught with anabolic steroids.

The bottom line? This is a lesson to those fellow collar-ups not to cheat or cut corners on your way to achieving true collar-up status. If you are caught like U. Maine was, you risk becoming a national punch-line and risk expulsion from any quality country club worthy of its name. Quality individuals can succeed through hard work or in the case of several of my colleagues, through inheritance.

Collar Up.

- DW

Friday, February 25, 2005

Mailbag Friday, 2/25

Well, here we are again at the end of another productive week for the people you wish you were. Although "Mailbag Friday" is normally a happy day, today your superiors have a heavy heart as I had to dismiss a long-time servant today. As you know, Stately Pinhead Manor and its surrounding grounds were hit, once again, with another foot of snow.

When my car arrived to take my to my office, my driver informed me that the expansive driveway had yet to be cleared by my snowplow driver. The driver, a servant of mine since he graduated with honors from Boston University, apparently was delayed by a phone call from the BU Athletics Department inploring him to purchase hockey tickets for this weekend's game vs. NU at the Egg-Anus Arena. It seems the school was becoming embarrassed by the fact that, even with a new arena, they still are unable to achieve a sell-out. Since he has now been fired, he should have plenty of time to jib-jab on the phone with the Arabian BU ticket office employee of his choice. I apologize if I appear irascible today, but it's always difficult to say good-bye to a faithful servant.

Anyhow, it's time, once again, to see what is in this week's mailbag. As you know by now, every Friday, we answer some of your questions and comments that you send to your superiors at our new email address at Let's see what we've got today.

Q- Johnny (Rhode Island) - Fellas, thanks for keeping me up to speed with all things I wish I could be. I need some advice. I recently received an invitation to a wedding to be held on the gorgeous grounds of Boston College. What should I wear so that I will truly look "collar up"? My girlfriend is a West Virginia alum...any advice for her as well?

A - Johnny, is this a joke? I'd love to answer your question, but I'm not sure it's feasible to truly be "collar up" with a WVU alum on your arm. I'll do what I can, but I'm afraid any advice I give you will be the equivilent of choosing the best Armani to put on a pig. If you are serious, please make sure you are wearing a Brooks Brothers 3-button tuxedo jacket so not to look like a complete gomeral. For your "lovely" girlfriend, please do your best to improve her social skills. For a wedding at Boston College, she will not be able to wear her overalls and for God sakes, make sure she takes the toothpick out of her mouth during the ceremony. Probably a good idea to make sure she puts her beer down while wedding photos are being taken, too. Also, the ceremony she'll witness at BC will be very different for her as no one will be drinking and the bride and groom will have different family trees. I wish you well, but your superiors have our concerns, and frankly, we are also quite chapfallen in you.

A lovely West Virginia sibling couple ties the knot

Q - Sharyn T (Bellingham, MA) - When you morons go to UNH next weekend, stay there. The hillbillies are always looking for some fresh meat. Can you squeal like a pig? It doesn't matter, you will be a quick learner. Oink, oink.

A - Sharyn, thanks for your advice. It sounds like you may have some experience in this field. Unfortunately, there is no reason for your superiors to stay in New Hampshire. Although we could probably purchase the entire state with our dividend income, I'm afraid I'd rather drink a glass of Cisco while smoking a White Owl and watching NASCAR then spend an entire evening in the Granite State. Come to think of it, a night like that for most New Hampshirites would be a night in paradise(provided there were a few "barnyard babes" present).

the evolution of the University of New Hampshire e-mailer, 1960-Present

Unfortunately, we are going to have to cut our email responses short this week. With the sudden opening in my landscaping staff after the dismissal of my snowplow driver, I'm sure I already have several voicemails from U.Mass-Lowell graduates dying for the opportunity. Like cockroaches to sugar, UML graduates can sense when an opening in the field of landscaping becomes available.

Collar Up.

- DW

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

New Hampshire Travel Guide for Collar-Ups

While sitting in my office discussing my social calendar with one of my subservients, I noticed that this weekend is the annual visit to Durham, New Hampshire for America's Team. Your superiors make this trip on an annual basis as we feel it is our duty to help support New Hampshire's economy. This is also a sociological trip for the people you wish you were as witnessing the backward folks of New Hampshire is a reminder of what a superior breed of humans we really are.

Although my collar-up colleague T. Fidler Smith invited me to the Islands for a weekend of wine tasting and a chance to check out the new keel on his 61' Wilbur Hunt, I chose to pass up the invite to visit New Hampshire. To be honest, Fidler tends to become quite churlish after a bottle of Chenin Blanc, but I digress.

As previously mentioned, your superiors have made this trip many times and feel that for any collar-ups making the trip this weekend, you are made aware of what to expect as you demean yourselves by making a visit to the Granite State.

Once you leave the Commonwealth and enter New Hampshire, look out the window of the limo and you'll immediately notice a change in culture. Gone are the mansions that dot the North Shore and replacing them are dilapidated dwellings that you wouldn't house your gardener in, even though he is probably a UNH valedictorian.

The New Hampshire Governor's Mansion is a top tourist attraction for visitors

Folks in New Hampshire are proud of the rustic beauty along their seashore and lakes. Not surprising, many unemployed folks in Nashua, NH who live off the state's welfare system take time out of their busy day of collecting cans to vacation in the lake's region. Properties along New Hampshire's sprawling Lake Winnepesaukee, the finest homes in the state, can cost as much as $27,000, an amount far too rich for the inpecunious locals.

Waterfront property in New Hampshire is a luxury too expensive for most residents.

The social life in New Hampshire leaves much to be desired, especially after hours. A few years ago, my colleagues and I decided to experience some of the state's night life and were agape at what we found. There were gentlemen's clubs that offered an unsightly display of 250 lbs. nude women who showed no shame in displaying their c-section scars and countless Dale Earnhardt tattoos for a dollar. Similar, several strange escort services, some of the bovine variety, existed offering several sordid pleasures for the overworked and undersexed New Hampshire farmer.

1-900-HOT-COWZ escort service is a huge hit with the locals.

In summation, a trip to New Hampshire for collar-ups is not one for the faint of heart. Fortunately, a trip back to a society that stopped evolving during the Paleolithic Era offers a rare glimpse at those who live at the nadir of society. Enjoy your visit.

Collar Up.

- DW

Sunday, February 20, 2005

"Boink" Magazine To Replace Dating at BU?

Let's be frank. Your superiors at Pinhead Nation have never had trouble meeting ladies. Perhaps it is the expensive cars, the private jets, or many of the other extravagant luxuries the people you wish you were enjoy. Just the other day in the lounge at the Country Club, some of my fellow collar-ups were chortling at those who must resort themselves to pornography in lieu of female companionship due to their low physical, social, and class status.

Not surprisingly, our friends at Boston University, who have proven many times they require pornography to satisfy themselves for lack of alternatives, have gone one step better: they have published their own porno magazine, Boink.

Boink, a flagrant rip off of collar-up cousin Harvard's H-Bomb offers provocative pictures of Boston University co-eds, both nude and semi-nude. For those of you liars who will buy it for the articles, there are also numerous stories to satisfy your male curiosity. Since your superiors at Pinhead Nation realize your economic status prevent you from spending the $5 to purchase it (let's face it, foodstamps and WIC checks cannot be used for porn), the 'Nation has received a copy and will give you a glimpse of it here.

First, let's talk about the pictures. When I dispatched one of my drones to the filthy end of Commonwealth Avenue to purchase Boink, he called me immediately after and warned me of the content. When the magazine arrived at Stately Pinhead Manor and I saw the "fine" ladies of Boston University for my own eyes, I almost dropped my flume.

Four finalists for Boink's "most attractive female BU student of the year Award"

After spending about five minutes perusing the pics of BU's "finest and hottest", I began to wonder why a magazine celebrating the buxom beauty of the BU coed didn't call itself "Oink". I find it honorable, though, that a school with the nickname of "Terriers", honoring the physical attributes of the female Boston U. student, is proud to display their most attractive students in such a fashion.

BU sophomore Susan Rottencrotch taking a break during Boink photo shoot.

Besides, the pictures, Boink offers hard hitting commentary surrounding male and female sexuality, as well as a pretty informative sex advice column. For copyrighting purposes, even your superiors cannot reproduce the entire articles, so I'll briefly list some of the articles BU students will be able to enjoy while waiting to "re-enjoy" the pictures.

"The proper way to make love to the Beanpot" by Eric Shinn (BU '07):

"The Bigger the Turban, the Bigger the Gherkin" by Akhmad Shiek-Mohammad-Goldstein (BU' 08)

"Sex and the Sanskrit" by Rupali Shah (BU '06)

"Landsdown Ladies Lovin' Liberia" by Leela Kapur (BU '08)

"These Boots Are Made For Kickin aaand Loving'" by John Sabo (BU' 03)

To say Boink is a hit among Boston University students is an understatement. If you venture down to the BU campus, be careful not to step on the hobos, you'll see copies of Boink being read throughout campus.

A trio of BU coeds peruse and discuss Boink Magazine outside of Warren Towers.

Demand for the new adult magazine has reached epic proportions as well. When I dispatched my Syracuse University grad landscaper to BU to purchase the periodical, the clerk behind the counter told him the line outside of his newstand was in the hundreds. Undaunted, he waited among the sticky-handed Terrier faithful to ensure Pinhead Nation received one of the first copies.

Photo of line of students waiting to purchase Boink outside Boston University bookstore.

The 'Nation wishes the editors of Boink success in their new venture and tip our flumes of Cristal in their honor. With such a readership desirious of any female interraction, Boink should be a huge hit now that Beanpot is won and the College Hockey season for Boston University is over.

Collar Up.

- DW

Friday, February 18, 2005

Mailbag Friday, 2/18

While I wait for the limo to arrive and take me to the airport (your superiors are jetting down to the Bahamas for the weekend), I thought I'd take this opportunity to open the mailbag for this week and see what's going on in your slow-developed minds.

As always, your collar-up heroes will do our best to answer your meager questions and comments that you send to us at every Friday. If you're fortunate enough to have your comments answered, consider it an honor that the people you wish you were took the time out of our lives to try and improve your raffish existence. Let's see what is in our email today.

Q- Michael B (location unknown) - I am a Northeastern Graduate who recently purchased my first Yacht. A Catalina 470. It's a little less than 50 ft in length, a bit smaller than what BC alums like yourself are used to. My question is, do you have any recommendations on where I can find a Yacht Club that won't be filled with snobby, stupid, married into the money BU grads? Anywhere between Massachusetts and LI Sound is fine as I can take my helicopter anywhere the drive is over an hour. Thanks

A- Michael, let me get this straight. You are a Northeastern grad who purchased a Catalina 470? Look, your superiors at Pinhead Nation are many things, but one thing we are not is stupid. Let's be honest, you do not own that Yacht, you are merely a low-class fisherman hired by a collar-up to sail it for him. Being a superior being allows me to see through the lies and attempts at deception by those who aspire to be elite, but due to their slow intelligence, fall far short. If your boss has given you the task of finding a quality Yacht Club, I am happy to oblige. Although the creme bruley is a bit too sweet for me there, I think your collar-up boss will enjoy the Corinthian Yacht Club in Marblehead, MA. Here is the website if you are interested in learning more, In the future, though, please be honest with the 'Nation, remember when you lie, you are only hurting yourself.

Q- Dan M. (Boston University) - Two words: Fuck You.

A- Dan, why the vulgarity? I'm sorry if you took offense to the piece we wrote on the Beanpot recently, but there's no need to be upset at us. Sometimes the truth tends to hurt. I remember after my first riding lesson as a child, my instructor told me I'd never be a quality Equestrian. Did it get upset? Of course, but I took it in stride and made up for it in many other aspects of my life. Similarly, if someone who is clearly a better person tells you something you don't agree with, in this case the Beanpot, simply thank us and begin soul searching. That being said, here's two words for you from Pinhead Nation: You're Welcome.

Q- Steve C. (Chestnut Hill, MA) - Hi my superiors, I'm curious what you guys think about that new porno mag that BU is starting.

A- Steve, interesting you mention that, Pinhead Nation has dispatched a subservient to fetch us a copy of the new BU porno magazine and we'll have a blog reviewing it later this weekend. Considering how much our opinion is respected around the Boston University campus, I'm sure many at BU will be anxious to read how the upper crust of society feels about their new venture into pornography.

Q- Jeremy C. (Durham, NH) - Will Pinhead Nation be travelling up to UNH for the BC game on Saturday?

A- Jeremy, As it stands now, I've made sure my social planner has kept Saturday open so the 'Nation can travel up to New Hampshire or as my socialite friends call your home state, "a dentist's worst nightmare". I hope our luxury box is better stocked this time. When I called to make arrangements for our libations last year, I asked them to stock the finest whiskey they could get. Imagine my surprise when I actually witnessed my bartender "making" said whiskey in a trash barrel behind the bar. Needless to say, we'll have several bottles of Johnny Walker Blue in our limosine for the contest this time. How you folks can bear to live such a neanderthalic life is simply astounding.

Unfortunately for you, my driver is here to whisk me off to my weekend junket down in the islands, so we'll have to save more of your questions until next time. As always, Pinhead Nation appreciates your admiration and as we sit on the beach this weekend drinking Mocha Rumbies, we hope you can muster the funds to keep your families fed and your heat on until we return.

Collar Up.

- DW

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

For the Shortsighted, the Beanpot is King

As I sat in my luxury box at the FleetCenter last night watching America's Team beat Harvard in the Beanpot consolation game, I couldn't help noticing the number of retched Boston University fans slowly filing into the building.

BU would be playing Northeastern later that evening for the championship after a blown-call by referee Scott Hansen allowed the academically challenged Terriers to upset Boston College a week earlier. While I sat in my private box surrounded by a group representing the highest levels of society, I noted the anxiety on the faces of BU fans as they prepared for their "national championship" contest vs. the sub .500 and subhuman Huskies of Northeastern.

For the uninformed, since 1997, Boston University has dropped out of the top-level of division 1 hockey and is no longer a contender for the national championship. While America's Team continues to thrive and challenge for NCAA hockey's ultimate prize, Boston U fans have resigned themselves to the fact that the Beanpot Tournament is the only thing left to shine a positive light on their worthless and miserable lives.

Since 1952, Boston's Beanpot Tournament has pitted three college hockey teams (BC, BU, and Harvard), and one high school team (Northeastern) to challenge for the hockey bragging rights of Boston. The Terriers lead the pack with 26 Beanpot crowns, while Boston College is second with 13. Though there have been videos and books written about this "storied" tournament, most have been published somewhere on the campus of Boston University.

Is the Beanpot a great tournament? No. Is it a fun tournament that is now more a social gathering than two nights of hockey? Yes. As previously stated, for Boston University, the Beanpot is now their national title and their shot for glory. For Boston College, it is a final tune-up in front of a big crowd for the NCAA tournament. For Harvard, it's an opportunity to mingle with their collar-up friends at BC, and for Northeastern, it's an excuse for their students to take the subway and a chance to pick pockets.

After last night's 3-2 overtime victory, Boston University freshman Chris "oveRAYted" Bourque told the assembled media that the Beanpot is "the reason why he came to BU". Bourque, who would be playing at Canisus or U.Mass-Lowell today if he wasn't the son of a famous Boston hockey icon, summed up perfectly the "party line" from a Boston University player when it comes to the Beanpot.

The Beanpot is everything to the Boston University student/alum/inmate. During the offseason when BU alums are emptying septic tanks or working the fryolater, they are thinking about the Beanpot. When they are looking at their wives' grotesque facial hair and lines on their ragged faces, they are wondering about the lines BU will use in next year's Beanpot. While your superiors at the 'Nation are giving our children sailing lessons and enjoying a life of privilege, BU alums are thinking about the Beanpot. For us, it's a February hockey tournament that really means nothing in the grand scheme of things. For them, it's an obsession.

With such a focus on winning this tournament, is it such a surprise that Boston University is usually its victor? For BU, it's life or death. For your superiors and the rest of the alumni network of Boston College, it's an excuse to drink Johnnie Walker Blue on a Monday night while laughing at those who cherish a silver pot that has the magical ability to make a Boston University fan's life not seem so dark and worthless.

Collar Up.

- DW

Sunday, February 13, 2005

Time to Take Out the Trash

There's an old saying that "there is a rotten apple every bushel". Nowhere is this more evident that in athletics. The 1899 Cleveland Spiders baseball team went 20-134, the NHL's Washington Capitals won just 8 games while losing 67 in 1974, and who could forget the winless Tampa Bay Bucs of 1976.

With the exception of the Spiders franchise, most organizations used their resources to rebound and become respectable teams. At Pinhead Nation, your superiors have patience for many things. Slow fast food drive-thru employees with BU degrees, animal husbanding Maine fans, and of course mentally imbalanced West Virginia folks who possess genetic mutations that only a night in the rack with one's sister can produce.

The one thing the people you wish you were simply cannot tolerate is absolute futility. I had a house servant look up "futility" recently in the dictionary and according to Webster's, futility is defined as:

"The quality of having no useful result; uselessness.
Lack of importance or purpose; the Merrimack College hockey program"

Merrimack College is a small college in Andover, Massachusetts that is synonymous with losing. Since 1989, the weak sister of Hockey East has produced nothing but pathetic play and overall embarrassment. They play their hockey in a rink that youth hockey players laugh at, and academically, Merrimack College lags far behind Philips-Andover, a high school that shares the same hometown.

For sixteen years, Hockey East, arguably the best conference in the nation, has carried this sorry team that has never even cracked the .500 mark. They are the hockey equivilent of having a retarded brother that your parents force you to take with you wherever you go. While Hockey East has sent a team to the NCAA championship game every year since 1997, the Merrimack Warriors play the role of the "Washington Generals" while America's Team and others annually play the role of the "Harlem Globetrotters".

While teams in Hockey East continue to recruit the world's best collegiate hockey players, Merrimack is left with also-rans who only play hockey because it was part of their court-ordered probation. At Merrimack, they have a motto: "if you can't beat them, hurt them".

Schools like Boston College, Minnesota, and Wisconsin have a long storied tradition of producing some of the most potent goal scorers in NCAA history. Merrimack's history is one of producing thugs, goons, and cheap shot artists. When you're program is college hockey's "nadir of the universe", the only way to compete is to injure your opponents' better players to even the playing field.

Earlier this year in a game vs. Kenmore Community College, Merrimack forward and future felon Jeremy Wilson destroyed Terrier goaltender John Curry. Curry, average at best, had his shoulder separated late in the third period of a game by Wilson, who, with the result of the contest long settled, was only on the ice to hurt the opposition. This is the Merrimack way.

This past weekend, Merrimack scumbag Jordan Black threw a cheap shot at America's Team defenseman Andrew Alberts that shelved the BC star for the next four to six weeks. This is the Merrimack way.

Ironically, the worst recent on-ice injury happened to a Merrimack player, so you'd think the program would be senstive to shy away from injuries, not go out of their way to create them. The incident I mention, of course, is the serious head injury to goaltender Joe Exter in a game against BC a few years ago.

Exter, dove head first into an on-coming Patrick Eaves, who was chasing the puck late in the third period of a playoff game. After the goaltender hit Eaves, he suffered a serious head injury and almost died on the ice at Conte Forum. Eaves was punished by Hockey East's incompetent comissioner Joe Bertagna and was labelled a 'dirty player' by a Merrimack team that invented the cheap shot.

Blaming Eaves for hurting Exter was the hockey equivilent of jumping into a lake and blaming the water for getting wet. Did he think diving head first into a player's knees who was skating 20 miles per hour was, what, a good idea?

The moral of this entire story? Merrimack needs to go. How can Hockey East justify having a program like Merrimack as part of it's "family"? They are a hapless loser with no tradition that takes the ice nightly looking to injure the competiton to give it a chance for victory.

Next season, the University of Vermont joins Hockey East and the conference missed a golden opportunity to dismiss Merrimack. Does coach Serino at MC have pictures of Joe Bertagna? Why else would Bertagna support membership to a program that is as welcoming as a fart in a car?

The Big East, a joke in itself, had the good sense to bounce Temple once it became clear they couldn't compete in the tough waters of its football conference. Although Temple never resorted to cheap tactics like Merrimack does, they were bounced for a horrible on-field record.

Considering Merrimack, who has averaged less than 15 totals wins per year since 1989 and is currently 1-17-1 in Hockey East this year while averaging almost 20 penalty minutes per game, isn't it time for them to go, too?

When I was a lad growing up on my parent's estate, father would take me fox hunting from time to time on our vast grounds. Sadly, our trusty hound eventually became old and no longer could participate on the hunt. Eventually, he was put to sleep.

Any good veterinarian knows when it's time for a pet to be put of its misery. How much longer will it take until Hockey East realizes this "dog", having no redeeming purpose, needs to be put down, too?

Collar Up.

- DW

Friday, February 11, 2005

Mailbag Friday, 2/11

Good morning, rubes, it's Friday which means just one thing, it's time to go into our email and see what comments or questions you have for your superiors today. It's been a strange week for the 'Nation, on Sunday, it was sipping champagne after celebrating another Super Bowl championship. By mid-week, the weather had closed in on 50 degrees and visions of taking the yacht out of storage and cruising the Sound were dancing in my head.

Before I head off to another financially lucrative business meeting, I figured I'd give something back to the retched and answer some of your email. Remember, email the people you wish you were at and we'll answer some of them on Fridays. Include the town you are living in if you want us to include it in your response. Here we go.

Q-Ryan L (unknown location)- Is there any way that any non-BC alums can become "collar ups"? I am very interested in this pursuit and aspire to be as great as you one day.

A- Ryan. Of course a non-BC alum can become collar-up (I'm assuming you own a tuxedo). "Collar up" is a philosphy, and although Boston College alums enjoy it as a birth right, others can acquire such lofty social status by many ways. The first step, obviously, is to join a quality Country Club and focusing your mental energy on increasing your sailing skills. There is nothing more embarrassing than dumping your Catalina in front of collar-up friends after an afternoon of drinking vodka martinis in the lounge. With a lot of work, you can achieve collar up status. Good luck.

ps- For those with absolutely no social skills whatsoever (UMass-Lowell or Merrimack alums), the road to collar up is tough, I suggest reading this link at to get started.

Q- Ian (unknown location) - When are you guys going to tell us about the glorious Patriots winning another Super Bowl? And when are you guys going to do your best Baghdad Bob impression in spinning BC's annual Beanpot humiliation?

A- Ian, all in good time, my young friend. First, regarding the Super Bowl, although our beloved New England Patriots, the greatest football team in NFL history, continue to cement their dynasty, there will be a day to discuss their feats soon. Right now, the people you wish you were are still gossiping about the who's-who of socialities who graced us with their presence at our Super Bowl party.

Regarding the Beanpot, it's unfortunate to see America's Team lose, but, unlike the future Dairy Queen employees at the dirty end of Commonwealth Ave, we don't put a lot of stock into a February regular season hockey tournament. I was pleasantly surprised to see that Boston College's hockey team will get to spend time with Harvard this Monday in a game that will be prove to be "collar-up on ice". Thanks for your support and hopefully your Hotel Management degree earns you a management position at the Days Inn of your choice.

Q- Danny C. (Euless, TX) - Hey guys, I'm hammered and need help making brownies. The package says I need two eggs, but I only have one. Help!

A- Danny, calm down, your superiors at the 'Nation have many talents. If you are looking for your brownies to be "fudgy", use the one egg and everything will be fine. If it's "cake-like" brownies you desire, use one egg and sprinkle a pinch of baking soda or baking powder into the mix. This will substitute for the missing second egg and should give you the cake-like brownies you seek. Good luck.

Q- Mike M. (Orono, ME) - Nice effort in the Beanpot, ladies.

A- Mike, your superiors at Pinhead Nation are men, not "ladies". Since you hail from Orono, Maine, I can see where you would have some confusion distinguishing between the two genders. I thought I saw a woman up in Orono, Maine the last time I was up there. Turns out it was just a moose wearing a "Go Blackbears" sweatshirt. It was quite a sight, but unfortunately, according to a U. Maine student, the moose was already "married" to a sophomore from Boothbay, so, unfortunately, this one was taken.

Well there you have it, another exciting trip through the Pinhead Nation mailbag. Drop us a line and maybe next week we'll improve your social standing by answering your questions or discussing your comments.

Collar Up.

- DW

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

H-E-double hockey sticks

According to one of our many sources who, like you, look up to your superiors at Pinhead Nation, this was the scene deep in the bowels of the FleetCenter on Monday just before 8pm.

Hockey East referee Scott Hansen was about to take his pre-game skate before the first round Beanpot game between America's Team and Kenmore Community College. As Hansen prepared for the carnage about to ensue, he heard a whisper coming from just inside the BU locker room.

"Hey Scott", came the raspy voice of the senile Boston University coach Jack Parker. "I found this $100 bill, I'm pretty sure it fell out of your wallet". "Sorry, Jack, it isnt mine. I'm a referee for Hockey East so I haven't seen a hundred dollar bill in my entire life", responded the color-blind ref.

"Oh, I'm sure it is, and if you are willing to sell me your soul, you will see many, many hundred dollar bills", said Parker in a voice that was getting startlingly deeper and deeper. "Scott, you can have it all, fancy cars, homes on the beach, porn on demand...all you have to do is sign over your soul to me right now and you can live the life, outside of those bastards at Pinhead Nation, that one only dreams about."

Hansen, realizing his life was being wasted away being referred to as "a-hole" and being told to "open your eyes" by 18 year old drunken college kids decided to take Parker's offer, knowing the riches he enjoyed today will be paid for in hell for eternity later.

"Ok, coach, I'll do it, you can have my soul for eternity and I'll do whatever bidding you desire", exclaimed Hansen knowing working for the devil couldn't be worse than working for Hockey East Commissioner Joe Bertagna.

"Great.. GREAT!", yelled Parker who begin to laugh so fiendishly, it began to disturb his hockey players in the nearby locker room busy coloring and watching Harold and the Purple Crayon. "Scott, I will give you riches beyond your wildest dreams, but tonight, you must do everything in your power to bring me that Beanpot win". Hansen, realizing he was now looking at a life of getting free refills and being able to buy Super Unleaded gas, nodded in agreement.

Parker, cleverly hiding his horns behind his white hair, took his spot on the BU bench as the game against the Catholic hockey powerhouse Boston College began. While the action was played on the ice, Parker would shoot his steely eyes at Hansen and telepathically reminding him of the deal he made to ensure his minions on the ice brought home the victory.

When America's Team scored to take a 1-0 lead, Parker was so outraged, he covered his face as his reddening eyes were not to be seen on television. During a break in the action, he gestured to Hansen that his team wasn't good enough to beat BC on its merit, so it was time for his newly created servant for eternity take over.

With just over a minute left in the first period, Boston University forward John Laliberte, a BC reject, slid into the great Matti Kaltiainen, knocking them both into the net, along with the puck. Although this goal was illegal on many, many levels and never should have counted, Hansen was instructed by his paranormal leader to "review the play and see if it was actually a goal". When Hansen called up to the refs in the video room, the line was re-routed to Parker's cell phone who reminded him of the deal that was made prior to gametime.

Hansen immediately pointed to the middle of the ice and awarded the goal to Boston University, knotting the score at one.

As the second period began, Boston College was doing what they could to fight Boston University's legion of evil. When BC's Ryan Murphy almost scored on a puck that hit the post, Parker suggested to Hansen that BU needed powerplays. Immediately, Hansen whispering "yes, master", whistled Eagle Brian Boyle, who wisely turned down an offer to play at BU, and penalized the BC forward for coughing in the direction of Chris "oveRAYted" Bourque to give the Terriers a powerplay.

Soon later, Laliberte, still a BC reject, scored again to give Boston University an improbable 2-1 lead.

Armed with the lead, Parker admonished Hansen to keep calling penalties on BC to keep their high-powered offense on the bench and help keep their lead. With the game approaching its end, BU still held their 2-1 lead and Hansen kept his deal with Parker. Hansen, now beaming with the pride that comes with satisfying a master, continued to call penalties on Boston College until the final horn sounded and BU was victorious.

After the game, the BU players celebrated while Hansen found a brand new Porsche waiting for him in the parking lot. On the windshield was a note, obviously written in blood. On it was written a simple message:

"Dear Scott, thanks for your help tonight and thank you for your soul. Enjoy your new car. I'll be looking for you during the Hockey East playoffs and NCAA's for more 'help'.

ps- My brother, the anti-Christ, is the head coach of the UConn mens basketball program, if you know any Big East referees he should pay a visit to, please let me know.

Sincerely, The Supreme Darkness".

Upon hearing that story, we at Pinhead Nation were quite disturbed. No matter how sorry your life may be and how much you seek fortune and glory, your superiors do not condone selling your soul to receive a collar-up life. We at the 'Nation hope you choose wisely and do not take the easy road that Hansen took.

Collar Up

- DW

Friday, February 04, 2005

Mailbag Friday

As my servants decorate the Pinhead Palace for the Super Bowl this Sunday, we're going to take some time out to open the weekly "mailbag" as promised to post some of your comments and questions. Let's see what interesting comments you rubes have for the people you wish you were.

Remember, you can send comments or questions to our email at (and include from where you are emailing from) and we'll choose a few to post and allow you to receive answers from your superiors every Friday. Here we go.

Q- Dave L. (Boston, MA) - Why do you guys rail on Boston University so much?

A- Dave, understand, we don't "rail" on BU, we just feel bad for them. As stated many times in this blog, as Boston College graduates, we are a superior breed of people. We do our best to give our readers an idea of why there is so much anger from BU folks towards Boston College. If not for low SAT scores or faulty genetic makeup, they could have been Boston College alums, too. Don't laugh at them, simply feel bad for them.

Q- Amanda B. (Brooklyn, NY) - What the hell is "collar up"?

A- Amanda, darling, since you're from Brooklyn, I'll let the profanity slide. As I understand it, the only four-letter words a Brooklyn native doesn't know are "work" and "soap", but I digress. Collar Up is a philosophy. It's a phrase we use to connect with our elite friends from around the world and a moniker we use to remind eachother that we are better people. Obviously, you are not 'collar up'. I'm going to guess you probably have at least three illegitimate kids by now and the most confusing holiday in your Brooklyn household is "Father's Day".

Q- Mike C. (Storrs, CT) - I can't wait until BC goes to the ACC and gets killed by Florida State and Miami. You guys suck. Collar Down.

A - Mike, as a UConn clod, I wouldn't expect anything less from you. Thanks for your well-wishes to our football team, but we'll be just fine. As a UConn fan, you undoubtedly have an IQ around 65 (the same number as Diana Taurasi's waste size), and will enjoy playing such a tough schedule that features Rutgers and Liberty next year. Good luck.

Q- Patrick D. (Chestnut Hill, MA) - You guys are great and I read your blog every day. I'm a freshman at Boston College, can you give me any advice on how to be 'Collar up'?

A- Patrick, first of all, congrats on being a student at such a fine institution. You are obviously a man of great academic and social abilities. Your superiors at Pinhead Nation wish you well. To be a collar up is very easy, you're already half way there! Graduate from BC, get a nice six-figure paying job, join your local country club, and then (very important) hire and then fire your first BU graduate. You'll be sipping Moet Chandon by the fire before you know it.

Q- Brian M. (Worthington, OH) - I don't understand what your problem is with UNH. You guys jump all over Umile for no reason and the entire Wildcats program too. Dick Umile is a great coach and UNH has been one of the greatest college hockey programs in the nation for years. I will admit your blog on Ed Caron was hilarious, but you guys need to give it a rest and pick on someone else.

A- Brian, thanks for your kind words about our Caron piece. We're just happy he was found safe. Regarding UNH, again, to the point I made to the BC reject a few questions ago, we don't "make fun" of anyone, we just tell it like it is. People don't like to read bad words about their heroes, but sometimes the truth just needs to be told. I'm not going to jump all over you as living in Worthington, Ohio is enough punishment for any man, but understand, the New Hampshire hockey program is "Shakespeare on ice". Exciting in the beginning, but in the end, always ends in tragedy.

Q- Rich E. (Hurricane, WV) - You guys and this blog just show what a bunch of pompous, arrogant pricks Boston College people are. I just wanted to let you know that. Go screw and Goooooooo Mountaineers!

A- Rich, thank you for taking time out of your busy day in West Virginia from fornicating with your sister to send us a comment. It must be tough living in a place where you judge the quality of the alcoholic beverages you drink by whether or not they make you go blind. WVU alums are great, though. They are the best ditchdiggers and travelling carnival employee people I've ever met. Keep up the good work and next time I'm driving through your state, I'll wave to you as you pick up trash on the highway as I cruise by you in my car that is worth more than your house.

Well there you have it. I'm sorry we couldn't answer all of them as your superiors are off for a very important racquetball match at the club. Next Friday, we'll answer more email from the Pinhead Nation mailbag and just maybe we'll make your day by answering one of your menial questions.

Collar Up and Go Patriots

- DW

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Dynasties Rise and Dynasties Fall

As my servants were readying to plan Sunday's feast for myself and my collar-up friends at the Pinhead Palace for the Super Bowl, one of the hired help noted there was a lot of talk about "dynasties" surrounding New England's local football squad. Since my inquisitive servant is a Boston University graduate and speaks little English, he was having a hard time understanding how the word "dynasty" can relate to athletics.

While taking time to explain this to him, remembering the duration of the conversation so to know how much to dock his pay, it became clear to me that in sports, just as in life, as one dominant entity begins, another sadly must die. As the bright-eyed BU grad stared up at me, stunned I was actually talking to him, I began to explain to my illegal alien manservant my revelation, knowing that his non-existent intellectual capacity would limit what he understood.

Ebb and flow. Yin and Yang. In sports and in world history, there have been several dynasties that have come and gone. Up here in a place where sports teams simply don't lose anymore, we will see both ends of the spectrum within a 24 hour period: the coronation of a dynasty and the fall of another.

The New England Patriots will defeat the Philadelphia Eagles on Sunday in Super Bowl XXXIX to win their third crown in four years and cement their spot among the all-time greats in NFL history. Following the game, Bill Belichick will raise the Lombardi Trophy and thousands of semi-retarded Northeastern University students will burn cars, break windows, and destroy property throughout the city of Boston.

After the fires stop smoldering on Huntington Avenue and the NU students are released from jail, the stories in national newspapers will be about the football dynasty that resides in New England. They will talk about the Patriots as the ultimate collar-up football squad, headed by the superior person that is Belichick.

Conversely, as one dynasty is born, another will come to an end on Monday as Boston University's domination of the Beanpot Tournament will finally be put to rest. BU, winners of 25 Beanpot Championships, had dominated this tournament to the tune of six straight 'pots from 1995-2000 and also winning in 2002 and 2003.

With the rise of America's Team, the mighty Boston College Eagles will win their second straight Beanpot on February 14th, one week after dispatching the filthy Terriers on Monday. BC also won the 2001 Beanpot as well. With the 2005 Beanpot ready to be handed to BC, America's Team will have three crowns in the last five years and will finally put an end to the Beanpot dynasty on the sewage-smelling end of Commonwealth Avenue.

Trying to find a way for BU to defeat BC on Monday will be as difficult as trying to quickly get the smell of a fresh fart out of a car. Led by the great Matti Kaltiainen and legendary forward Patrick Eaves, America's Team, the undisputed top team in the land, will send the Terriers back to the Egg-Anus Arena beaten, sad, and bloodied.

When Boston College wins their third consecutive Beanpot in 2006, folks around college hockey will be ready to crown America's Team the king of Boston's legendary hockey tournament once again.

So in the end, sports will come full circle this weekend in a rare glimpse of how sports does actually mirror life. For your superiors, it will be a time to rejoice and add another chapter to our dominant and fruitful lives.

For those Boston University fans who will cry at the slaying of their hockey team, it will just be another case of how the brief happiness that breaks up the monotony of their miserable lives was squelched, once again, by their superiors at Boston College.

Collar Up.

- DW