Monday, February 27, 2006

Torino 2006: Special Olympics

Pathetic is a word normally reserved for White Owl cigars or Peppermint Grove Pinot Noir. While your superiors watched the Olympics on the Plasma in the game room at Stately Pinhead Manor, we were aghast at the ineptitude of our American athletes. Like a drooling mongolid hoping to finish a 40 yard dash in less than four minutes to earn a Tootsie Roll, the Olympians from the USA struggled, limped, and eventually fell in a proverbial puddle.

In watching the failings in Torino, Italy, the people you wish you were couldn't help but notice how the American athletes from New England really paralleled the Hockey East teams of the states or institutions from which they hailed. First and foremost we had the embarrassingly horrific ski-God Bode Miller, a native of New Hampshire. Next we had Lindsey Jacobellis, the teen "beauty queen" snowboarder from Vermont.

Not to be outdone was the men's hockey team, with representatives from many Hockey East schools including BU's terrible trio of Chris Drury, Keith Tkachuk, and Ricky Dipietro. Let's go over each of the lowlights and Hockey East parallels from our lowbrow New England competitors.

Bode Miller

The Bode saga in Torino fits in quite nicely with the story of UNH hockey, affectionately known as Bridesmaid Nation. As far as his performance on the slopes is concerned, Bode was going for medals in five events. He was a favorite for a medal in each event; some thought he had a shot at all five gold medals. But just like UNH at the Frozen Four, Bode came away empty handed and full of shame.

Bode/UNH Factoid:
UNH is 0 for 7 in the Frozen Four. Bode was 0 for 5 at the Olympics in Torino.

During Miller's run of 5 straight failures, his struggles mirrored the UNH historic failures at the Frozen Four. Both came close and failed, such as UNH losing in OT to Maine in the 1999 NCAA Title game and Bode Miller's disqualification on the alpine combined event. Bode posted a first place time on the downhill portion of the event before straddling a gate on the 1st leg of the slalom portion and being disqualified. He watched as his fellow country-mate Ted Ligety won gold just as UNH watched conference-mates Maine win the title in 1999. Both also crashed and burned; UNH crashed against Minnesota in 2002 and 2003 against Maine in the Frozen Four just as Bode crashed in the Super-G event.

Although not earning a medal, Bode Miller broke the record, previously held by now defunct New Hampshire state landmark "The Man in The Mountain", for fastest collapse from a mountain.

Clearly, training at his family's cabin in New Hampshire wasn't a good idea. In case you live in the Granite State and missed it (likely due to the fact that your TV rarely leaves NASCAR replays), it showcased life in New Hampshire at its finest. Bode still lives with his parents in their cabin in New Hampshire. Without electricity nor plumbing, the Miller parents taught young Bode how to lose with class at any early age.

Another bizarre consideration that needs to be looked at when comparing the UNH hockey team to the zen-master of skiing has to be the partying and drinking. This season, UNH suspended 7 players (heretofore known as the UNH Seven) who were caught drinking in a bar before their game vs. Providence College.

Similar, Bode Miller has come under intense scrutiny for claiming to participate in Alpine Skiing events hungover or even possibly drunk. His tequila-downing festivities the nights right before his events in Torino were certainly no secret. Were the UNH Seven and Bode drinking just to loosen up a little or were they drinking to ease the pain of their inevitable future of failure?

Miller's preparation for Torino consisted of Whey, Muscle Milk, and blackouts.

Your superiors at Pinhead Nation propose that some sort of honor be bestowed upon the powers that be in New Hampshire to forever link Miller and UNH's hockey program. Although a banner will certainly be raised soon at the Whittemore Center at UNH to honor Miller, joining UNH's several runner ups and the banner honoring the 100,000th flush in the Whitt's ladies lavatory, we think that something else should be done in his honor. Perhaps fans could receive a free cup of Miller Beer when UNH loses a home game. Lastly, Pinhead Nation will leave you with this scary Bode Miller/UNH connection. UNH has zero national titles and 2 silver-adorned NCAA trophies for finishing runner-up. Bode has zero Olympic gold medals and, you guessed it, 2 silver medals.

Lindsey Jacobellis

Lindsey Jacobellis was up next and she gave all of the kids in the country a little lesson on what not to do. The Vermont native was racing in the final gold-medal race of the newly-minted Olympic sport called Snowboard Cross, an X-Game sport that deserves to be in the Olympics as much as "Snowman making" does. This is basically NASCAR on snow, which is why our friends North of the border seemed to like it so much.

Strangely, Jacobellis mirrored the UVM Catamounts hockey team from her home state as she got out of the gate with a nice lead and let the other 3 racers crash into the protective netting behind her as she raced toward the finish line uncontested. Her position in 1st didn't necessarily reflect her great racing, just that others around showed as much fortitude and guts as Corey Latulippe. At the end of race, on the final hill she decided to grab her board and hot-dog it to the finish line. The result was a crash in front of the finish line, while one of her competitors hailing from Frozen Nuts, Saskatchewan raced past her and stole the gold medal right from under Jacobellis' mustache.

Lindsey Jacobellis saw all of her hard work wasted when she lost control of her snowboard while scratching her Adam's Apple.

Much like Bode Miller and the UNH hockey team, the parallels between the UVM hockey team and Jacobellis are also quite entertaining. Jacobellis embarrassed herself and her country in what will be forever known as the "hot dog". Vermont's other embarrassment, a hazing incident known as "The Elephant Walk", involved UVM hockey players grabbing something resembling a hot dog.

Seth Wescott

Maine native Seth Westcott is a different story. While most here are the story of failure, we chose to show you an example of a New Englander that wins. Westcott won the first gold medal ever in Olympic Men's Snowboard Cross. Considering Westcott calls Maine his home, your superiors surmise that it won't be long until Olympic officials realize Westcott ultimately cheated to win. If it is proven he did cheat, the state of Maine's governor has already announced that he will be suspended for the next snowboarding exhibition game.

US Men's Hockey

As outlined above, the men's Olympic hockey team was full of Hockey East alums. Some were disappointing. Most were downright glastly. Few were impressive, while together, they fizzled out.

The conversation on Hockey East goats starts and stops with Keith Tkachuk, who frankly Tkasucked. The former BU star played like someone told him he'd be sent back to Boston University if he did anything worth noting on the ice at the Olympics. Zero goals. Zero points. -5. The next exhibition in hockey ineptitude is Chris Drury, also a U.Mass-Kenmore alum. Likely due to the fact he no longer has Joe Sakic on his line, Drury was dreary, tallying no goals. If not for Chris Bourque, Drury would certainly be the most overrated BU alum named "Chris".

USA Hockey won't admit it, but many feel that the large number of groupies following the Boston University alumni on the Team USA roster was a huge factor in the team's demise.

Pinhead Nation would like to give three collars down to USA forward Mike Modano. Modano, a member of the 1968 US Olympic Hockey Team and similarly dastardly in these 2006 games, felt the need to complain when all was said and done. His prime complaint is he had to make his own travel plans for his family. Your superiors would like to give some advice to Mr. Modano: Don't whine about it. Hire a U.Mass-Lowell graduate to handle those pesky incidentals and focus on more important things.

We anxiously await the 2010 Olympics in Vancouver, Canada. Hopefully the USA Olympic committee will install some simple rules to fix their program. First, require a Wonderlic test to ferret out the BU alums. Second, require drug tests to eliminate the Vermont grads. Finally, turn down any athlete who resides in New Hampshire. The US doesn't need any more runner-up trophies.

Collar Up


Wednesday, February 15, 2006

"The BU"

Hoping to replicate the success of "The OC", Fox producers have released "The BU", a show about a troubled youth who is kicked out of Boston College and sent to the ugly end of Commonwealth Avenue in Boston to live the life of a student at BU.

The premise of the show is hardly a new one. During his first semester at Boston College, freshman Brian Fatwood is caught by BC police drinking "Lake Sonoma Zinfandel" out of a box behind a dumpster on lower campus and is arrested.

During his hearing, BC officials are stunned that one of their own has polluted the university by drinking such a bourgeois libation and he is promptly expelled from the university. Considering no schools accept transfers mid-semester, Fatwood had no choice but to enroll at Boston University, a school with limited integrity and an appetite for rabble.

While walking BU's quad, actually a concrete sidewalk spray painted green, Fatwood is impressed by seeing several BU coeds enjoying a warm fall day.

During his initial meeting with BU's admissions officials, Fatwood, being the first student in history to transfer to BU from Boston College, is immediately admitted to the school and is automatically awarded with a Masters Degree from Boston University. Surprised by his own celebrity, Fatwood knew there would be trying times ahead, but he never knew they'd come so quickly.

Upon checking into his new dorm, an 8 x 8 concrete coffin in Warren Towers, Fatwood quickly realizes he is not in Chestnut Hill anymore. After meeting his new roommate, a Pakistani refugee named Bungi, he is told that his Abercrombie & Fitch fall attire needs to go.

No longer will he have the luxury to pop his collar as BU's strict dress code requires its students to wear "B.U.M. Equipment" sweatshirts, acid washed jeans, and Middle Eastern Capezio dancing shoes. The only exception is a BU mandate demanding its students wear extra tight BU hockey jerseys on the weekend.

Gone are the days when Fatwood could walk BC's treelined campus. At BU, he is forced to ride the Green Line where he quickly learns the ins and outs of avoiding vomit while picking up a second language along the way.

Since his 6 weeks at Boston College made him more educated than most of BU's faculty, Fatwood is quickly given the opportunity to work a campus job with potential upside. Unfortunately for the newest BU student, Fatwood is stunned to learn he will be working on BU's scandal rag, the infamous "Boink" Magazine as a "go-fer".

The jubilation on campus following BU's upset win over BC to clinch the "Beanpot" was quickly soured when students realized they weren't getting a year's supply of free beans, just an ugly silver pot.

After his first day on his new campus job, one that saw him chase down hundreds of Krispie Kremes and Friendly Fribbles, a tired Fatwood needed to blow off some steam. Fortunately, a Friday night on the BU campus is chock full of social activities, regardless of your hemisphere of origin. With his roommate Bungi at his side, Brian Fatwood throws on his new sweatshirt and is ready to hit Landsdowne Street to find himself a strobed dancefloor and a bottle of Loudmouth Soup.

On Landsdowne Street, BU students find several unusual refreshment options after an hour or so of dancing to the rhythmic beat of techno gods 'Mescalinium United'.

Weeks later, Brian had slowly progressed and by semester's end had been transformed into a full-fledge BU student. Gone are his collared-shirts and Gucci shoes only to be replaced with foul language and a depressive hatred for his former school, Boston College. Remembrances of "champagne parties at Vandy" have been replaced with "drinking Saki with Van der Gulik".

Nonethless, Brian Fatwood tries to accept his new lot in life. One minute he was a future member of the glitterati, the next a collar-down knave learning half-witted chants to be used at BU Hockey games. Despite being the only BU student in history to once receive an acceptance letter from Boston College, the call of cheap wine has left him with a future career as a telemarketer and college days full of kashi and coeds armed with half-price coupons to "Lane Bryant".

Collar Up.

Eat It, Mr. T.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Can a Beacon Save the Moribund Beanpot?

There we were in the Boston penthouse condominium of Hollis Plympton, a chum of ours from the prep school days. Every year, the people you wish you were descend on Hollis' modest manse in the sky to celebrate the annual Beanpot tournament. Following America's Team's controlled scrimmage vs. Northeastern in the Beanpot opener, our post game celebration was in full swing.

Shortly after we arrived, Hollis introduced us to the latest addition to his liquor cabinet, his new "Perfect 1864" Vodka from France. Hardly being a bon vivant in the field of vodka, I retired to the balcony for a Camacho Havana and was quickly joined by a troika of collar-ups.

Our discussion quickly turned to the Beanpot and the ease it took to vanquish Northeastern. Three cigars later, it was clear, for the Beanpot to continue to grow, the team from Huntington Avenue must be removed from the city's illustrious college hockey tournament. After 50 years of ineptitude, Northeastern needs to be replaced with a competent opponent. But with whom?

Northeastern's student section is among the most rabid in the nation.

Considering that NU has only won 4 Beanpots in 54 years and didn't even taste victory for the first time until 1980, finding a suitable replacement would be easier than finding a Glock in NU's Davenport Commons.

Along with NU's on-campus statue of pitcher Cy Young, there also is this statue outside of Matthews Arena paying homage to decades of hockey incompetency on Huntington Avenue.

Though your superiors agreed that Northeastern belonged in the Beanpot as much as a salad belongs in BU's Warren Towers, we were quite perplexed to find a worthy replacement. With so many universities in the city of Boston, there was clearly a lot of options to choose from.

After hours of deliberation with no result in sight, we chose two schools and agreed to weigh the pros and cons of each. The two chosen schools were Wentworth Institute, where Hollis' auto mechanic graduated from, and UMass-Boston whose alumni have filled countless toll-taker jobs along the Massachusetts Turnpike.

R. Lambert's hittin' that



- Shares rink with future collar-ups Boston College High School.
- Alumni Association features comedian Steve Sweeney


- Currently 0-19 this season.
- Like all "UMass" hockey teams, destined for eternal failure and perpetual embarrassment.

Wentworth Institute of Technology


- I've got nothing.


- The only school in a scarier neighborhood than Northeastern.
- Shares home rink Matthews Arena with NU.

Finally, we chose to simply toss a coin and the victor was U.Mass-Boston. With NU's replacement chosen, the last task is to merely contact our collar-up chums at the Beanpot Offices and make the change.

Although we will always miss that wonderful feeling when the schedule shows "vs. Northeastern" on the first Monday of February, we're sure that despite their winless 2006 campaign, the Beacons of UMass-Boston won't humiliate their alumni quite as much as the Northeastern Huskies did.

The new-look Beanpot Tournament could re-energize a tournament that has seen Northeastern's first round opponent receive the equivalent of a 'first round bye'

Collar Up.